I really didn't think nursing was going to work out for me. Most of you know that. For the first month of LittleGuy's life, I was very close to giving up. A few trusted sources told me to stick it out until six weeks. I did. Amazingly, they were right, it did get easier...but I still wasn't sold. I was dependent on that damn nipple shield and I had very little confidence that my "chest structure" would ever truly be able to feed my child.
However, ten weeks into this nursing relationship with my baby and I'm a done deal. I love it. I feel like breastfeeding Finn is one of the most amazing things I have ever done in my entire life. An accomplishment as much as it is a gift. He practically weaned himself off the shield over a week ago and I can't believe that "they" work - all by themselves! Well, LittleGuy is bigger and knows what to do now, so that helps A LOT.
I finally feel comletely in tune with the whole experience. I did not believe people who told me it's easier to breastfeed, but now I know it's true. And, it is just an amazing thing to be able to nourish your child...just by being alive and eating and drinking and staying near your baby. Amazing. My body makes food. I am a fully functioning kitchen for my baby. Completely mind blowing. Everytime we sit down for a "meal" I am washed in awe.
It really irks me that the nurses in NY did not encourage me more when Littleman was born. It makes me sad that this experience was lost for him...and me. I am sad that I'll only get to nurse one baby. I don't feel any less connected to Littleman, plus, I really didn't know what I was missing. (Since I won't be letting LittleGuy sleep in our bed, I feel like the boys are even in "closeness to mommy as a baby" issues). And I am not saying that every one should nurse - it has to be right for that mom and that baby at that moment. It really is not easy. It takes patience and confidence (when you have none) and, most of all, a support system.
All that said, as much as I love nursing, it is pretty gross. Milk gets every where. At times I am literally a geyser. It completely suppresses my libido and there are a multitude of drugs (ie, birth control) that are forbidden. I lack grace and tact, so in public I am pretty much a nursing nightmare. (Thank goodness Littleman is too young to be embarassed by me...and Papabear is working so much, he's usually not with us). And, I know I have complained about this before, but the sheer size that I have to carry around...is really ridiculous. So, it's not heaven or perfect. But, it is beautiful. *I* may not be, but the act is beautiful. Beautiful and peaceful and almost magical. I feel completely and utterly content. I am living my dream.
I am a mommy of two beautiful boys and wife to a man I love and adore. If I died today I could say I have everything I ever wanted.
Here's the last of 'em. LittleGuy as a horsie and Littleman with his friends.
Now that Halloween is over, Littleman is already talking about Christmas. Taking down the Halloween decorations was so sad for him (we've had them up since October 1!!!!). I almost wish there were more decorations for Thanksgiving. BUT, I am not going there. The day after Thanksgiving we break out the Christmas stuff and that's good enough for me. I love that Littleman shares my excitement for holidays. He could ignore my jollyness, but he embraces it. We'll make some turkey decorations to get us through until black Friday. I have to make calendars for him to hang in his room so he can check off the days.
Well, I haven't been sleeping great, so I think I'm going to head to bed. I think all the adrenaline and elation that got me through the first two months has finally wore off...and the lack of sleep is taking its toll. I can't say enough how grateful I am to have friends out here who invite me over for dinner or come over when I need their kids to entertain mine. I couldn't survive without them.
So Landon has started going on the potty again sometime maybe once a day but thats a start again! The boys had a great time Trick or Treating! Jason and I had a good time together. We have had several heart to hearts and we are really trying to let things with Logan interfere in our marriage. We get so down on ourselves when hes having so much trouble that it causes problems everywhere else. We are really trying to meet each others needs and keep up our spirits about being able to help Logan. Jason is going in to observe his class hopefully next week. We are not trying anymore vitinmins with Logan because he had an allergic reaction. I am thinking of having him tested for allegeries he has often ended up with hives so maybe if we know what he is allergic too it might help him in school. We all went out to breakfast together this morning which was really nice even though Logan was over tired from trick or treating and too much candy! I am worried about him having a hard day monday because Halloween threw off his schedule a bit! Though this past week we have seen a small improvement! I had Logan give his teacher flowers for Halloween I figured sucking up can't hurt! We had so much drama with breaking costumes though and that suck but we got it all settled with some time a late night trip to walmart and velcro.
Now for the truly insane part of our night. We all tuckered out about 9:30 or 10 went to sleep soundly. At 3am there is someone ringing are bell over and over again. I am thinking dude someone better be dead and if they wake up my kids they will be dead! ;O) Unforunately it was something serious are neighbor was at our door in tears. His wife, him and three other neighbors went out to a club after there kids went to bed. Apparently his wife thought he asked someone to dance walked back home and when he got home started hitting him with a broom. Accusing everyone of cheating with her husband. It took all three of them to pull her off of him! My husband had to help the guy file charges because hes his boss and hes our friend. Our other neighbor is now a witness and they arrested the wife. The part of this I hate to admit is its our babysitter who got arrested. We knew they had money trouble and some martial issues but we had no idea it was this bad. We have the serious worse taste in babysitters. She seemed so normal and the kids love her. I think it must be stressed and hurt. Stuff like this is why I do not drink anymore I am too old for this crap. Shes younger and shes about to learn her lesson the hard way. Why never to mix wounded emotions and drinking! I truly feel bad for their children and them both. Its a sad mess up stuff that didn't need to happen. Seriously people need to learn when they should not drink and its sad it takes stuff like this to figure it out. I understand to some extent. It took me a decent amount of craziness for me to learn. I truly think she has learned. Either way I am now out a babysitter because there is no way I will leave me kids with her. Even though her children are such good kids. Thats a crazy situation and I don't want my children anywhere near just in case! I need to get better at judging babysitters! People are crazy!
For some reason, Papabear gets the biggest grins out of our LittleGuy and today we had our first big laughs - amazingly I caught them on video.
Littleman had his Halloween party at preschool yesterday. They made jack-o-lantern cupcakes.
LittleGuy's wearing shoes!!!! How cute!
Pumpkin carving....
Papabear went all out when making a veggie tray for Littleman and a friend he had over for dinner!!! Would it surprise you at all to hear that Littleman cried when Lauren ate a little of HIS name???
In case you want an update on the breast feeding, continue reading: I started weaning LittleGuy off the shield a few days ago by taking it off for one of the afternoon feedings. WELL, by yesterday afternoon, he decided he wanted NONE of the shield at all! It's been a little bit of a struggle. When the jugs are full, so to speak, there's not a lot of surface area which makes it difficult for LittleGuy to latch on. He gets royally pissed, though, if I try to start with the shield - he really wants nothing to do with it! But, he has trouble getting "on" without it. This morning, though, we finally made things "work" by using the latch-assist. Without going into too much detail, for those of you who have no interest in reading about the finer details of breastfeeding, it's going well. We had a full feeding session completely free of the shield. I am still amazed that I am doing this. I am feeding my baby and it feels great to be able to do so.
Are you wondering if he sleeps through the night? He's pretty much on this eating schedule at night: 8p, dreamfeed at 10:30p, 3:30a, 7a - So I am up at 3:30 and 7 ish....I have adjusted to this so I am functioning okay. I am hopeful that he'll start sleeping longer soon....aren't we all? He's cute and sweet and cuddly, so I feel well compensated for the lack of sleep....
This little one is NOT sleeping in our bed like Littleman did for so, so, so many months. (not yet anyway, ha ha) He sleeps in the bassinet next to our bed. I tried moving him to his room the other day, but it's too soon. I felt absolutely haggard running down there in the middle of the night. I'm going to try again in a couple of weeks.
That's all for now folks! Hope everyone has a happy halloween!
I have 20 minutes before the bus drops off SkyWalker. Both girls are napping and it is lovely. We had a pumpkin painting playdate this morning and because we were home/Chewie was fed enough/active enough/the planets were aligned enough/ she actually took a decent morning nap. Which will hopefully also mean a decent afternoon nap and then a decent night. We were thrown off when we had to postpone lunch so we could bring new pants to SkyWalker at school. And they were barely wet! He could have made it. They don't even smell like pee!
Basically reverse everything I said in my last blog and thats whats going on now! Logan is having a lot of trouble in school and his teacher keep sending home notes about him pulling off leaves from thier trees! Leaves seriously! Its a dam leaf quote from the teacher" Your son does not seem to respect living things and he often pulls the leaves off of our trees. We tried explaining to him that trees are living things, but he did not stop!" This combined with his difficulties with making friends and sitting still for circle time! Is making my head explode the more I read and try the less it seems to help. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do and it seems like everyone wants to dignoisis him with something! Except his school skills teacher who loves him and thinks hes great and our friends who when we go to parties compliments how well our kids behave! Jason and I are having a lot of problems again not arguing just feeling connected in general. We have learned how to talk to each other and now it seems like we've just lost the love we had for each other. Landon refuses to go on the potty now where he was doing so good before! He somewhere picked up sticking out his tongue and now keeps doing that when I am telling him not to do something! Halloween is coming and its my favorite time of year. I don't feel an ounce of happy right now. I have no answers and a very little amount of hope. I thought my life had taken a turn for the better coming out of the darkness but it didn't. I'm looking for some light at the end of my tunnel and I hope I find it. I wonder what needs to be done to make the happiness come back to my life.
Littleguy begins to converse...
Went to a pumpkin festival...Papabear was working so I was technically on my own (we went with some friends). It is still too warm most days to feel like fall, but we had fun.
Yes, Littleman is holding a giant "diamond." He bought it with his own money...the kid has strange likes, I know. Okay, this next one is seriously too cute for words.
LittleGuy was the talk of the festival in this little number!
Littleman in a pumpkin house.
Yes, that's fake grass. I swear we live in "The Truman Show."
And Vox is acting funny so I literally cannot delete this picture I accidentally posted twice. Well, it is so cute, enjoy it again.
I don't know why it's so hard to update here. Oh... yeah...
Well, my LittleGuy is getting chubbier, little by little. At his two month check up on Monday he weighed in at 10 lbs., 10 oz. I am no longer worried if the milk factory is working - clearly it is. LittleGuy is happy, sleeps well, has his active time, and seems satisfied when we're done nursing. I can't ask for more.
I get scared when I think that in a few months my hooters will hold roughly 8 oz of milk per "session." Currently they carry about 4 ounces...and they are HUGE. That may be biggest drawback for me, the size issue. BUT, I've already complained about this, so let's move on. OH, I am still using the nipple shield. I wish I weren't, but LittleGuy just doesn't want to latch without it. I am starting to wean him, but it will be VERY slow going. The pediatrician says that since he's gaining and all, I shouldn't worry too much about it, so I am not.
Here is Littleman and some of his buddies dressed up in their costumes for our neighborhood "fall festival." It reached about 82 degrees and did not feel very fall-like...but they had fun running around. I am in the process of hemming Littleman's superman costume..as you can see he's basically swimming in it. My poor little short boy. Oh, you might be wondering why he is wearing that scary spiderman mask. He made me print it out from a CD-ROM that came with a t-shirt and laminate it! He's been wearing it for months and apparently is needed to "complete" his superman costume. He assures us he is a "GOOD scary superman." Whatever that is. Silly boys. How do you like our "spooky graveyard?" Fifteen bucks at Wal-Mart.
LittleGuy wore only the hat/stem for the chili pepper costume. Like I said, it was pretty hot.
I have a cute video I posted on Facebook of LittleGuy "talking" to Papabear. I'll get it up here tomorrow...or whenever I have the energy/extra time to do upstairs. I can only post videos from Papabear's MAC, not the PC...isn't that funny? Hmm...yes, more lame than funny.
All is well out here. Papabear loves his new job...even if it keeps him late - last night he was scheduled to work from 9:30a to 8p. He didn't get home until midnight! That's emergency room work, though. The only plus is that he is paid megabucks for all the overtime. Extra bucks can't hurt...ever, really. And, he enjoys all the different cases he sees - a stark contrast from the endless prescribing he had to do at his previous job. (However, he sees about 10 to 20 flu/swine flu positive people a day! Neither of us is thrilled about this, but it is a risk he/we has to take.)
We went to the U2 concert last week. It was pretty awesome. I was never a huge, huge fan, but it was a truly amazing show. I wasn't thrilled about going with LittleGuy being only seven weeks old. I was nervous about my boobs exploding...BUT, I pumped in the car as we pulled into the parking lot. I have a battery operated travel pump and I brought a cooler to keep the milk. Towards the end of the show I could feel the music literally rippling through the accumulated milk in my chest - definitely weird! I pumped nearly five ounces when we finally made it out to the car! So, it all worked out and I am really glad I went.
I wish I had more to write. There are plenty of anecdotes and thoughts to share, but I am simply tired. I feel good, but I also feel like I am still adjusting to life with two little ones. I am not as "together" as I usually am. Bills are being paid late and I haven't fully gotten back into the swing of hosting playdates.
I am grateful to the handful of girlfriends out here who keep us occupied when Papabear is working late. AND, my MIL who comes over to either take Littleman out for an afternoon, or stays with LittleGuy so I can go out with my big boy. Life is a whole lot more bearable when you get a break here and there. Today Papabear was home and just the simple act of driving Littleman to preschool made my day...well...awesome. I had time to exercise AND shower - JOY.
Okay, off to pump so I can one day, maybe, go see a movie with my husband again...
