Sleepless...

Because I cannot turn my brain off...  Because I am so aggravated...  Because I don't understand why sharing my joy has to mean opening myself up to the jibs and the jabs of people who [hopefully] don't understand how scared I am that having twins or triplets would disjoint my entire life and everything about it that makes me feel fulfilled and like I am able to deal...  Sure, I know a lot of people have had babies they did not plan on...  Sure, I know that it would not be the end of the world if I had more children than were in my "plan"...  But, it WOULD mean that I would probably have to give up the job that I love...  And for that reason, I would not know how we could afford to keep paying for the house and the car and every other obligation that we have right now...  Some people have told me that "God does not give you anything you cannot handle," but I don't believe that...  What about all the people who have nervous breakdowns or do truly terrible things because they just "snap"?!?  I don't anticipate that I will do anything to myself, my husband, or my children...  But, I do fear that I would become horribly depressed...  And, right now, I am experiencing a low that I have not hit in quite some time...  And, for what?  Someone's idea of a joke?  The fear that their "joke" may become my reality?  I know that I, technically, accepted a risk of multiples when I signed up for fertility treatments...... but I also know that the drug I took has practically as low of a risk of multiples as the general population faces...  So, what now?  I wait for the blood work to be drawn up and analyzed in the morning...  I wait for the phone call back with my new levels tomorrow afternoon...  And then I wait for the ultrasound that will give us a "fetal count"...  Just typing that phrase made me start to cry again...  Does that make me a bad person?  A bad mother?  That I could want another child so badly but then balk at the idea that I would end up with even one more than I planned for?  Right now, I feel like a complete asshole...  Clark is downstairs playing WOW, and I am sure he thinks I am asleep...  Hell, even I wasn't sure I would make it much past Boogie's bedtime...  But now I am so worked up that I am either going to be up at least another hour or I will just cry myself to sleep...  And I feel bad going down and dragging him out of his game because I am so hormonal that I let people get to me, so I don't think I will be doing that anytime soon...  I was chatting online with a friend, earlier this evening, and I am so thankful that she "stopped by" to say hi...  She was able to talk me down a little and to remind me that being pregnant often brings unwanted, snide/hurtful comments but that feeling hurt didn't make me a bitch...  It just made me a human being who, being in an already fragile state, should not have to remind people to keep their "worst case scenarios" to themselves so that I didn't freak out unless there was an actual cause to do so...  Bah...  Writing about it isn't making me feel any better...  If anything, this vent has made me feel worse, so I guess I ought to just go and see if I can "Tetris" myself to sleep on Facebook... Later days...