i hit rock bottom, emotionally, today... so, i decided to send out an e-mail to my father... of all people, i thought i could have counted on him to come by and visit me at least once since my surgery... i guess i was wrong...
so, i know it's never a good idea to make any sort of judgments when you don't know the entire story... and i am sure that things have been as busy as ever for everyone... but i have been having a very hard time dealing with the fact that not a single member of my family has made it out to visit me -- either in the hospital or at home... i know that mom has been to oncall for her cyst, and that [my sister] has spent time bringing her... i know that you often work more hours per day than should be humanly possible... but, for some reason, i just kinda expected that this surgery would be enough to shake up our family's normal habit of never making time for each other... i understand that people cannot simply increase the number of hours in the day or skip out on work to make time for me... nor am i selfish enough to expect that they spend every moment of free time calling or stopping by to dote on me... but, it gets really hard to try and explain it away to all of my friends who have called and stopped by when they ask if i have had enough time to rest between all of my family and friends visiting... part of me wants to simply answer, "yeah, i'm getting enough rest"... but part of me wants to curl up and cry... especially when i keep trying to invite you and mom over for dinner and she keeps telling me that there are always some sort of other plans in the way... i'm not even sure you know/knew about the invitations, but there have been a couple in the last week alone... it really hit home today when a friend asked if my mom had practically "moved in" like his would be likely to do, and i realized that this was day # 7 without a family visitor... i always thought that moving "back home" was like an insurance plan of never having to be alone in really tough times, but living 20 minutes away sometimes feels more like living on a different continent... i am not trying to make anyone feel guilty or anything, but i knew that i had to open up and tell you how i felt before it ate me up inside... i love you all, and i hope to see you soon
later days...
Thanks to Rookie, I am now the proud owner of the Honest Scrap Award. "This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blogs content or design is, in the giver's opinion, brilliant." Awww... Thanks, Rook! In order to fully earn the award, I am now obligated to share 10 honest statements about myself, so here goes:
1. I care too much what other people think, but I am making progress in choosing things based on my own opinions/preferences instead of what I think other people would expect.
2. I have a hard time relating to my own family and often feel guilty for having a better/easier life, even though I recognize that my hard work and better choices have gotten me where I am.
3. I am married to one of the smartest, most-loving, handsomest men ever. While I recognize that not everyone would agree with me, I am more than happy to acknowledge that they are wrong!
4. I love the fact that my husband is a geek, and I am proud of the fact that I am a nerd. He would rather play D&D than go out to a bar, and I would rather stay home to watch a movie or read a book than go out to a club... And it's not at all uncommon for us to play Guitar Hero together after Boogie goes to bed on a Saturday night.
5. Heroes, [the new] 90210, and ER are the only shows I bother to watch on a regular basis, and I am actually kinda happy that ER is ending -- since that means I won't have to worry about missing episodes or staying up late to watch it anymore. My favorite "guilty pleasure" TV shows, when I just want to sit and veg, are Clean House and Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? (Though I can easily substitute any other shows about cleaning/organizing or wedding planning.)
6. I am such a nerd that I have actually made a conscious decision to go to bed early and read rather than watch any new TV show premiers so I won't "get into" another series. There are way too many books on my wishlist to waste time with TV shows!
7. I am a compulsive picture taker... Sometimes I end up taking so many pictures to document a fun event that I wonder if I end up missing out on some of the fun. I go through cycles of taking more or fewer pictures, and I am hoping to find more of a balance.
8. I am very proud of Boogie, and I struggle not to cross the line between proud parent and braggart. I have to remind myself not to run and tell everyone I know when Boogie does something new/cool or no one is going to want to talk to me anymore... Luckily, though, I have a few people who will listen to my incessant doting!
9. I would love to have another baby... As much as Clark and I thought we were ok with having an only child, we now realize that we were not being honest with ourselves. When my surgeon said that this surgery could improve my fertility, we were both very happy. While this is no guarantee that we will actually be able to have another baby, we are excited at the prospect of watching Boogie take on the role of a big brother!
10. As much as I like to feel in control, I am working on "going with the flow" and "living in the moment"... My therapist has been working, for a while now, on getting me to relax. I think that I have come a long way so far, although I admit that I still have a lot farther to go.
This may not have been much more revealing than my average post, but it certainly was honest... And, now, I need to take a nap... Later days...
I can honestly say, with absolute certainty, that the action of vomiting earlier this evening (despite the fact that I hugged a pillow, as instructed) was the single-most painful experience of my life... I cried, drank some Pedialyte, and settled down for a nap with a couple of ice packs afterward (one on my incision and one on the back of my neck)... Now that I have woken up, I am starting to feel better, and maybe even a little hungry... But, oh my God, I am so scared of getting sick again before this incision heals... Please pray for me that it doesn't happen again... That's not abuse of prayer, is it?!? Later days...
Now, there is no prospect of anyone coming over and I feel like a terrible mother and wife... Clark woke up vomiting this morning, and we had to cancel our plans with any visitors... I know that there is not much I can really do, but I just feel like such a failure that I am so laid up that I cannot take care of either one of my guys... I tried to suck it up and do breakfast, but I felt like I was going to pass out after a little while... Clark did his best to finish up for me, but he is not exactly in the greatest shape either... After breakfast, we both needed to go back to sleep, and we just had to trust that our 4-year-old would be able to take care of himself (without sneaking out of the house or getting into too much trouble)... I wish there were an easy answer to this, but I know there is not... I understand, after all, that no one would want to come in to a house full of potential stomach flu germs, but I am having a hard time balancing the "taking care of myself" (read: don't do much of anything) and the "taking care of my husband and child" (read: provide basic sustenance and/or supervision as applicable)... I ended up skipping lunch, since there was no one in any condition to make it, and now I am wondering if I am merely hungry or if I, too, am ready to start puking... Lovely... Later days...
Not because I don't have anyone home with me... Not because I haven't had any visitors... But because I still have not seen a single member of my family... It was easy to excuse the fact that they could not make it to the hospital because my stay was so short, but this is bordering on ridiculous... My dad was calling every day, at least, to check in on how I was doing... He hasn't called at all today... I have spoken with my mom a couple of times, but she turned it around into a conversation about herself and how she was doing -- since she ended up at OnCall the day of my surgery... My sister called once, and we spoke for a couple of minutes, but she was at work and had to get off the phone almost as soon as she got on... I have not talked to my niece at all... I thought that maybe I would just call my parents' house and invite them over for dinner tomorrow, but I got their answering machine... WTF?!? I hope it's something damn important if they can make it out and still don't bother to come and visit their freakin' daughter who has just had major surgery... I have an amazing husband and a wonderful little boy who have been doing a great job taking care of me... I have friends and co-workers who have come over already or who plan on coming over tomorrow... And all kinds of long-distance peeps (as well as the library teens who don't/can't know where I live) have been reaching out to me via the interwebs... So, why do I have to focus on the people whose lack-of-contact make me so sad? Almost time for dinner... Better get going... Later days...
I just added a few pictures to my Flickr -- http://www.flickr.com/photos/jewjewbee/sets -- including one of my incision... I marked that one "friends and family" only, so you will have to be signed in as an approved friend or family member of mine to see it (or you can choose not to look if you think it would be too gross... The other pics are from my visit with Flower last night... Everyone at work chipped in for some gorgeous plants, and they even gave me a gift card to get something else... I can't wait to get back and give everybody huge hugs!!! Later days...
This whole "getting better" thing takes a lot of damn energy! Teeheehee... The pain pills are doing their job, so I have not had too much difficulty with walking... Getting up or down puts a lot of strain on things though, so that is still pretty tough... Luckily, Clark has been majorly helpful and not the least bit annoyed by the multitude of requests to get/move things for me or to help me get up off the couch if/when I can't do it alone... I don't plan on attempting the stairs for a couple more days -- and that will only be for sleeping in my own bed at night -- but I already hit one pretty cool benchmark this morning... I was able to sit at the table and eat breakfast with my boys! Yay!!! Baby steps... Gotta remind myself to keep moving forward (both literally and figuratively) with baby steps, even if it is frustrating to be capable of so much less than only a few days ago... Focusing on the pile of books I've set up has helped it to feel more like relaxation and less like a punishment of some sort, so I'm really glad I made the effort to collect them all ahead of time... Right now, nevertheless, I think I am about to take another nap, so I should be going... Later days...
Hungry, tired, and anxious... Not a great combination... Ugh... Gotta leave in a few minutes, but I wanted to get in some internetting first... Later days...
I hate the fact that I have such a nervous tummy... I literally thought I was gonna puke after we got Boogie into bed... I was going to wait until I felt a little better before I had a snack, but I finally decided that I would rather try something on an iffy stomach than wait too long and not get any more food until after the surgery... My yogurt doesn't seem to be rushing back up, so I think I made a good call... As of midnight, I am "npo" (nil per os), which means nothing taken orally... No food, no drink, no nothin'! Not even freakin' water... Ugh... I am supposed to check in at 9:15am, which means that I will be really hungry for a while, but at least I don't have to wake up at some ungodly hour AND I get to drop Boogie off at school in the morning!!! I am doing my best not to let the OCD-driven intrusive thoughts take over, but it's kinda hard when the surgeon and pre-admissions testing nurse are legally obligated to remind you of the risks you accept in order to have surgery... Harder still, though, was seeing the look in Clark's eyes when he got up the courage to ask me what I would want, "if, God forbid, something goes wrong"... I did my best to keep it light and reminded him, very firmly, that I want every chance possible, even if it's a wish and a prayer for a miracle... Extremely heroic measures are welcomed... Encouraged, in fact! I asked him if he thought it would be too much to let the hospital staff know that I am not opposed to the entire Justice League stepping in... or for DC and Marvel superheroes to collaborate, if necessary... I'm just sayin'! Teeheehee... I am young, and I am fairly healthy, so I do not anticipate dying... Still, I've seen enough ER and real-life ER-type shows to know that mistakes are made and/or complications arise... I am working under the assumption, nevertheless, that I will make it through and that you will all have to put up with plenty of bitching about my lack of mobility, excess of pain, and probable boredom... And, now, I am off to try and beat Nice's ridiculously high scores in Word Challenge and Who Has The Biggest Brain (on Facebook)... Wish me luck! Later days...
I really, truly love my boys... Even though they are both extremely crazy! I find it funny, for instance that they are both obsessed with breasts, although on completely different terms... Boogie keeps asking tons of questions about breast feeding -- like whether all baby animals drink from breasts and how it is that babies can drink from breasts... He also keeps trying to touch my nipples or grab my breasts... Pretty normal, from what I have known of children in daycare and such, so I am not exactly freaked out by it or anything, and I don't react with anything more than a simple reminder that I would rather he leave my breasts alone because they are "my body" and I would like some more "privacy" than that... More than anything, I just find it amusing... Then, there is Clark who can read innuendo into the most innocent of statements... Like when we went to the St. Patrick's Day parade, yesterday, and I said something that I will not soon live down... When we were walking back to the car, I pointed out to Boogie how you could see the shamrocks on my headband when you looked at our shadows on the ground... I said, "My shamrocks bounce with every step I take!" Not only did Clark start laughing hysterically, but so did the random guy who was walking next to us... Come on, people! Geesh! Teeheehee... Then, of course, I need to go back to Boogie with the "dinosaur nipple" story... You may wonder what a "dinosaur nipple" is, but it takes a little explaining, so bear with me -- it's worth it... Boogie kept telling us that herbavore dinosaurs made a nipple sound... We were like, "You mean a 'nibble' sound?" And Boogie said, "No! Nih-PULL! Nih-PULL!" We were completely confused, so we asked, "What does a nipple sound actually sound like?" He angrily replied, "It's just a nipple sound!" So, we tried again... We asked, "Can you make the 'nipple' sound for us?" I actually wondered whether he would be making some sort of a slurping sound when he demonstrated it for us, but he only said, "nipple, nipple"... When we had calmed ourselves down and stopped laughing quite so hard, we told him, "No Boogie! That sound is actually 'niBBle, niBBle,' you nutter!" He gave us a look that said he wasn't really buying it and asked, "Are you sure?" Yeah, dude... Definitely sure! Teeheehee... I am sure there have been and will be many more breast stories, but I have the house to myself and I have a book I've been dying to read... I better take advantage of this opportunity since I don't know when the next one will be! Later days...
