20 posts tagged “mom”

Obviously, not my favorite person...  And now, I am so pissed I can't stand it...  At the end of the summer, Princess had requested some books from the library...  They showed up after school had started, so I was no longer bringing her to the library on a weekly basis...  But, I said we could use my mom's house as a place to transfer the books between us...  The problem I am facing now, though, is that my mom lost one of the damn library books -- and denies that I ever even left it there...  I am going to get ready soon so I can head over there and tear the place apart looking for it...  Love that we will probably be fighting with exactly one week to go until Thanksgiving...  Ugh...  Not like it's anything too new, but I still hate dealing with this crap...  Later days...

Why?  Because my mom is a complete ass-hat...  She just called me to let me know that my niece is completely sick, most likely with the flu...  Apparently, she is probably sick because she spent the afternoon taking care of the toddlers my mom babysits as my mom puked her brains out on Friday...  And yet, my mom didn't say a word about it being a bad idea to have Princess over all day Saturday when she knew I was bringing her to my house to hang out with Boogie...  My mom didn't even think it would be a bad idea to go to a wedding on Sunday -- while getting a ride from us...  As I sat there trying to process this all, on my way home from a trip to the grocery store where I felt sick to my stomach more strongly and earlier than when my phenergan usually wears off, she didn't even show any sympathy or empathy for my predicament...  I said something along the lines of being really scared to get the flu because doctors say that you should not take anti-emetics when you have the flu, and I could end up hospitalized if I go off the drugs even when I don't have the flu...  Instead of saying something comforting, or even keeping her stupid mouth shut, she went on to say that it would "really suck" if I got this flu because it's "just violent"...  WTF?!?  If she had ever been anything of a good mother, I might be able to excuse this as a slip-up...  But a part of me thinks that she may be somehow enjoying this and trying to freak me out...  Like all of her talk about how "lucky" I am to have the phenergan -- where she goes on and on about how terrible it was to feel sick for her whole pregnancy and acts like I can't possibly appreciate that sacrifice because my hyperemesis diagnosis and subsequent medication...  Sure, she may have felt sick all the time, and she probably did vomit a couple of times a day like she claims...  As much as that sucks though, I almost ended up in the hospital during the beginning of my first pregnancy...  I lost TWELVE pounds in one week -- after getting to the point that I could not keep anything down for more than 5 minutes over the course of about 48 hours -- before they got me medicated...  How the hell does that add up to me being spoiled by having a phenergan prescription?!?  Gah!  I can't imagine being so cold to my own daughter...  And I guess that is part of the reason I am afraid to have a daughter...  I am afraid that my lack of a good "mom to a daughter" role-model will make me feel even more unprepared for having a little girl...  In the end, I will do to best I can, and I am sure that will be a million times better than my relationship with my own mother...  But still...  I just wish I could scream, or hit her, or pretend she didn't exist...  But a part of me wants to try and salvage this relationship because she is the only mother I have...  FML...  Later days...

When exactly it was that my mom started smoking crack...  Not literally...  At least, I don't think she actually is...  But, let me elaborate...  Today, I had the day off...  So, I decided it would be a good idea to get over to my parents' house and finish setting up the computer we passed on to my dad...  He has a special program that he needs for work, so I had to have a time to go through the export from the old computer to the import on the new one...  I knew it would be simple enough for me, even though I was pretty sure it might have made his head explode...  So, after I managed that, I went through and finished finalizing all his settings...  Then I started cleaning the living room because OCD + pregnancy = the perfect time to attack my mom's clutter in order to make it possible for the children she babysits to not die from an avalanche...  I was in the middle of a toy bin that was full of animal crackers, plastic wrappers, and scrap papers (as well as some toys) when my mom started getting all huffy and asking what happened to her "screen saver" of Maui...  Umm...  She meant the desktop photo...  So, after I calmly tried SEVERAL times to explain to her that it was a whole new computer and that I would have to find that picture to download and turn into the DESKTOP image and also change the setting for the SCREEN SAVER so that it did a slide show of images, I gave up and just did it...  Once everything looked like it had been on the old computer, my mom [who is always oh so eloquent] said, "I guess hate is the wrong word, but I hate you for being able to fix that so quickly when I spent a long time trying to figure it out."  Yeah...  Well...  I tried not to be a jerk about it by pointing out that she knows dick about computers, so I said something along the lines of, "Well, I guess I had better have picked up some computer skills with the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on college and grad school."  Her answer almost made me shit my pants...  She literally said, "I guess I wish that with the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on your education, I would have liked to get a little bit of it through osmosis!"  What?!?  When the fuck did she spend tens of thousands of dollars on my education?!?  She and my father took out a loan for a couple of thousand of dollars for my first semester of college...  Maybe the whole first year...  MAYBE...  And, then she continued on to say that my student loan was one of the things she has fallen behind on paying and it's a good thing that they can't come back and take away my education...  HOW THE FUCK have they not paid that off in the last 9 years?!?!?!?  Part of me wants to ask my dad if he wants to get her head examined, and part of me wants to ask my dad if there is some way that she managed to take out money "for my college" and then spent it on something else...  I just don't get it...  She manages to piss me off more than I would have thought was humanly possible for someone who is 1/2 responsible for bringing me into this world...  Thank goodness she has that title, or I may have broken down and punched her in the face long ago...  I know...  I'm all violent and shit...  So, sue me...  The woman makes my blood boil, and she is the only mom I've got, so I have to try and play nice or I will end up feeling guilty for not trying hard enough...  Gah...  Later days...

Than what I posted yesterday, and much less whiny than what I posted this morning...  Enjoy!

It has been so long since I have actually sat down and blogged about all the things I have been planning on blogging...  Today's post will be rather long, and it will probably jump from one topic to the next...  Feel free to skip this one if you don't want to get all dizzy!

Where to start?!?  Well, the other day I was planning on blogging something that was rather shocking to me, but I somehow never got online that day, or the next, or the next, etc....  I wonder what you all will think, though, so I feel compelled to post about it even though it happened on Monday...  I was driving down the highway, at about 65mph, when I noticed a dog running around (loose) in the back of an open-bed pickup truck ahead of us...  I called 911 and the operator, basically, told me that he thought I was wasting his time...  He asked if I really thought it was an emergency...  I responded, "For that dog and the drivers who are surrounding that truck, yes, I would say this constitutes an emergency!"  He sounded exasperated, and told me that he didn't think it was an emergency, nor did he believe it was illegal...  I was pissed, but I still don't know to whom I should register a complaint...  Any ideas?

I crashed storytime the other day, with Boogie, and then went out to lunch with Bagel...  She is such a bum!  We agreed to split the bill and she paid for it behind my back!  But, that is not the funniest part...  The funniest part is that Boogie looked like he was taking tequila shots at lunch...  Why was that?!?  Because he was sprinkling "stinky cheese" (parmesan) onto his drink lid, licking it off, and washing it down with a quick sip of his lemonade...  Hilarious!  That is, after he actually ended up with lemonade...  I was pretty upset when it happened, though I realized it was not the end of the world, but they actually gave him freakin' soda instead of lemonade at first...  He said something about his drink "burning" his mouth, and I thought he was just being silly, so I told him to stop being silly and drink his drink...  Man, I feel like that mom at Chili's whose kid had the margarita...  After a while, he wanted the lid off, so he could get a piece of ice, and I noticed the carbonation...  I was not thrilled, but I didn't pitch a fit (even though I wanted to)...  Bagel says we should have figured it out when Boogie kept taking sips and then asking how old he had to be to have soda -- "I have to be 2?!?"  I was like, "No!  You have to be much older."  Now we know why he was so confused!  Geesh, people!  I know that some people let their toddlers drink soda, but we asked for LEMONADE!!!

Boogie is being really cute all the time, but he is also getting on my nerves a lot lately...  He says the same things over, and over, and over again in hopes that I will suddenly jump up and cater to his every whim...  "I wanna watch tv...  I wanna watch TV...  I wanna watch TV!" ...  How about, NO!  I know that is what toddlers are all about, but, man, it drives me nuts!  It's like that episode of Family Guy where Stewie is going, "Mom... Mom...  Momma...  Momma...  Mommy...  Mommy...  Lois...  Lois..." 

I feel like I have not seen many of my friends in entirely too long...  I see the friends that I work with, and that is good at least, but I really have felt like I have had "no life" these last few weeks...  I guess that stems from the whole "working two weekends in a row and using days off for nothing but running errands" kind of operation I've been running...  The good news is that I will not be working another weekend until next month, and working two weekends in a row made it possible for me to get the time off for heading to Vegas!  I am so psyched about my vacation...  Let's just hope that the jet lag doesn't turn Boogie into a monster!

A while back, my father said that we should go out "for coffee" (even though I have always hated coffee and he should recognize that fact by now!) so he could explain the whole mom and NMD situation...  Well, I was all worried that maybe my dad was gay and trying to hide it by staying married to my mom -- though I was not so much worried that he was gay but the thought that he may have felt that he had to hide said gayness from me...  Well, it turns out that I was WAY off...  Sure, my mom's boyfriend (NMD) seems pretty gay, and he started off as my dad's friend first -- let alone the fact that my mom always acts like she is the resident expert on gay men who pretend to be straight by getting married and having kids...  That, apparently, has nothing to do with why my dad allows NMD to be with my mom...  Evidently, my dad really does just feel terrible about the fact that he cheated on my mom -- like 20 years ago! -- and is willing to put up with anything "short of her ripping [his] heart out and stepping on it" because she never divorced him and/or tried to take us away from him... The look of relief and the tears in his eyes lead me to believe that he was telling the God's honest truth...  He was so happy that my mom "forgave" him (although she constantly brought it up and rubbed it in his face) and never took his kids away that he is willing to pay penance for it for the rest of his life...  He said that he could not imagine only having visitation time with us and that anything he goes through now is nothing compared to the loss he would have felt if my mom took us away from him...  Wow!  Talk about feeling more loved than ever...

And, speaking of feeling loved, I just have to say one more time how amazing Clark is...  He is such an awesome daddy, a supportive hubby, and an awesome friend...  Even if he does drive me crazy with his fetish for high-end electronics!  Teeheehee...  The new TV is great, and I really am happy that Clark was able to get something he wanted so badly -- even if the price tag made me balk...  He knows that he is not getting anything else like this for quite some time, and he is ok with that, so I guess "normalcy" will resume once again...  (Or, at least the normalcy you can have when your home TV feels like a movie theater screen!)...  Teeheehee...

What else?  Umm...  I have been doing way better with the OCD thing, as evidenced in my lack of compulsion to post to this blog every ten seconds...  My kitchen is not dirty, but it is not tidy either, and I am ok with that...  The only thing that I wish I could do a little better without going completely OCD is my laundry...  We get down really low and then I have to hurry up and do a bunch before Boogie runs out of underwear or some such thing...  I am so thrilled that he is wearing bog boy undies, though I do wish he would stop telling us that he will "poop in the potty when [he gets] bigger"...  Umm...  Why not now, dude?!?  Sure, we are saving lots of money on diapers/pull-ups because we only need them for bedtime/naptime, but it is frustrating as hell to have to keep cleaning up poop...  More often than not, he just goes in his pull-up or his diaper, but there are occasional accidents in his undies, and it's not pretty (to say the least)...

Enough talk about crap, though...  Nice stuff?!?  I was in the newspaper recently, so people have been jokingly calling me a "celebrity," which is pretty fun to play up...  The teens at my library love me and are excited about the upcoming summer reading program (SRP)...  I am even pretty well underway with my SRP planning, so that makes me feel happy/less stressed at work...  If only I could start ordering books again, life would be just peachy keen!  I know it will all get back to "normal," and then summer will take over and make everything crazy again...  But, for some reason, I am so much more confident about this summer...  Maybe it is the fact that I have actually done this before...  Maybe it's because I am so confident that our proposed changes will really make a big difference in how easily we can handle things...  Either way, I am more excited than scared, and that is an awesome feeling!

Since I have been in here posting for so long, my boys are wondering if I will ever finish...  Better wrap this up...  Later days...

I didn't really know it was possible for things to get worse in the situation with my mom, but I think that happened last night...  I came home to a message on the answering machine about how she never knows my schedule and wants to talk...  She sounded upset, so I figured it was about the e-mail...  Wrong!  She never got the e-mail...  Sure, my dad saw it -- and even told my sister about it -- but, he never told my mom...  What caused her to call, then?  Well...  Since my sister knew my feelings, she took a trip over to my mom's house to talk to her about Christmas and how she wanted her whole family together for Christmas this year...  She suggested that Christmas Eve be at my house, and my mom actually wanted to work that out...  I was all confused and asked if she had gotten the e-mail...  She said no, so I explained a little bit about what it said...  Everything in that letter was the truth, but I was definitely pretty mean in the way I worded some things...  So, now she knows about the e-mail and will probably want to see it...  Does that mean that our progress will now be negated?  Or will she just see how hurt I am and want to make things right?!?  I don't know...  All I know is that I am at work and cannot really call her to see what's up -- because I am the only one in the Children's Room right now...  Maybe I will call during my lunch break...  Bah...  Later days...

So, since I was already depressed, I decided to go for broke...  The following e-mail just got sent out to my mom:

Mom,

I know you probably don't like it when I send a letter rather than talking in person, but that is the way I am most comfortable communicating when I am upset...  What I am about to say is not easy to say, and I am sure it will not be easy to read, but I would like for you to read the whole letter before trying to write back (and no, I am not even close to ready to talk about this again on the phone or in person)...  Just hear me out, please...

For 5 years now, I have been struggling with the new definition of our family...  At first, it seemed to me that my parents were on the verge of a divorce and that I would have to learn to accept them as separate entities instead of a couple...  Once I heard that you had a boyfriend, I thought it must be over...   I thought, "If she has always expressed such unhappiness toward my father, and now has another man in her life, surely my mother is on the way out of her marriage"...  After all, I was taught (and still believe) that marriage is a union between two people who love one another...  You certainly don't act like you love my father anymore, and the "new" situation just seemed beyond acceptable... 

I thought your apparent disdain for my father was enough to signal that you wanted "out" and that your relationship with NMD was the way you would leave...  Apparently, my interpretation is either very wrong, or you are just unwilling to move forward with dissolving an unhappy marriage because it is just easier to (1) let your husband work two jobs to support you while you (2) constantly complain that his best is not good enough -- and then (3) ignore him to spend time, or go on vacation, with your boyfriend (including on the weekend of your husband's birthday)...  As you can tell, I am a bit enraged, and I am not going to pretend or "play nice" anymore...  I have been really depressed lately, and I have tried blaming it on the hormones in my BCPs, but I know (deep down) that I am just upset that the holidays are coming up and I can't even count on spending time with my own family -- even though they live less than 30 minutes away...

I know I have been told that the exact details are not my business...  That would be fine, I suppose, except for the fact that I am constantly inundated with talk of the latest vacation with NMD, or the last trip to the Racino with NMD, of just how freakin' wonderful NMD is...  And then, to top it off, I get nothing but talk of how my father is always in such a shitty mood and what an "asshole" he can be...  After working 2 jobs, 7 days a week, to support a wife who is far less than supportive or loving, who can blame him?!?  If I have to listen to this crap all the time, you're damn right I am going to want to know what the hell is going on...  And, for the LAST TIME, please stop telling me that I can explain it away to my son by saying "NMD's just a friend"...  That is simply not an acceptable answer to the problem...  When some of my friends met you for the first time [at Boogie's birthday party] and thought that NMD was my father and that Daddy was my uncle, I got pissed off beyond belief...  Mom, it is clear to everyone (except you, maybe) that you have outwardly-obvious feelings for NMD -- and that you do a great job at ignoring my father when NMD is around...  Face up to it, please, and stop embarrassing yourself by pretending that it's your little secret... 

This Thanksgiving was a huge wake-up call for me...  When a mother would rather spend a holiday with her boyfriend than with her daughter and grandson, that daughter has to ask herself whether she wants to continue to invest her emotions into that emotionally devastating relationship...  I can certainly understand that you would want NMD around, but I would also expect that a mother would accept her child's feelings and put that child first once in a while...  You know that I do not want him around, but you constantly try to change my mind...  It's not going to work...  Just accept the fact that I will not EVER condone this relationship unless you are separated or divorced from my father, and we may just be able to make some progress in our own relationship...

A month or so ago, we were having a normal conversation and you suddenly cut in to question whether NMD's presence would be a problem at the family Christmas Eve celebration...  I told you that it would, as you already knew, but that was not good enough...  My feelings never seem to matter -- EVER -- in any decisions you make, and I am starting to come to grips with this truth...  I could give you a huge list of times when I have felt unimportant, based on the way you have treated me, but that would be redundant...  I have told you time and time again...  But every time I try to explain my feelings to you, you turn the conversation around into a guilt trip [for me] about how no one is perfect and that you "tried the best you could"...  But, did you really?  When I told you that I didn't want NMD at family events, you still invited him to Easter dinner -- and got upset with me that I was really as bothered as I had previously explained...  That doesn't sound like trying...  That sounds like doing as you damn well pleased and expecting me to just take it, as usual...

Well, I am done "taking it"...  And as far as I am concerned, you might as well invite NMD to your house for Christmas Eve...  Even if you had us over, instead of him, I know you would be bitter about it the entire time...  I will just plan on spending holidays with my in-laws from now on...  Sure, it won't ever feel the same as spending it with my own family, but at least I will know that they genuinely want me to be there...

I will always love you, no matter what...  But I don't know that I am strong enough to be around you anytime soon...
Bee

So, now that we are quickly approaching Christmas, how soon do I confront my mother about plans for Christmas Eve?!?  I am sure she thinks I am an unreasonable bitch, but I have other people who would actually enjoy my company on Christmas Eve if my mom would rather see NMD than me (and my boys)...  I wish I didn't have to worry about stupid shit like this, but then it wouldn't be my life...  Grrrr...  Later days...

And, no, I am not talking about the computer...  Clark and I are going to have to spend some time "re-wiring" the boy this week...  My mom thinks it is cute to go against our express wishes and to give Boogie something right after we tell him, "No."  If he is going to spend even one minute whining or complaining, she thinks it is just better to give in...  I think it may be best just to punch her in her damn face, but that is just the Killer Bee coming out for a minute...  I think (and Clark agrees) that I have been beyond civil this weekend, especially considering the fact that my mother continued to flush the toilet in the middle of the night and wake her insomniac daughter even though she had been told that her noise-making was the reason I had such dark circles under my eyes on Sunday morning...  Bah!  Anyhow...  We are home, Boogie is in bed, and it is time for us to go to bed as well...  More ranting (and pictures from the wedding) will surely be posted tomorrow...  Later days...

I thought I was going to do well with sleep last night...  I had done OK the night before, I was exhausted, AND I had taken my sleeping pills...  Then, after I had been asleep for only about 3 or 4 hours, my mom went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet (which was right next to our bed), which scared the hell out of Clark and me...  He fell right back asleep and doesn't even remember it, but I spent the next 3 to 4 hours pissed off and trying to fall asleep again...  Then, I got only another 2 hours (maybe) before Boogie woke me up for good...  Now, I am wondering whether I should say anything or just try to deal one more night...  My mom has been totally bitchy all weekend -- since she is not smoking (anything) while she is with us...  I'm happy that this may prove to her that she can quit smoking, but I hate putting up with her shit...  Bah...  Later days...