17 posts tagged “mom”

Than what I posted yesterday, and much less whiny than what I posted this morning...  Enjoy!

It has been so long since I have actually sat down and blogged about all the things I have been planning on blogging...  Today's post will be rather long, and it will probably jump from one topic to the next...  Feel free to skip this one if you don't want to get all dizzy!

Where to start?!?  Well, the other day I was planning on blogging something that was rather shocking to me, but I somehow never got online that day, or the next, or the next, etc....  I wonder what you all will think, though, so I feel compelled to post about it even though it happened on Monday...  I was driving down the highway, at about 65mph, when I noticed a dog running around (loose) in the back of an open-bed pickup truck ahead of us...  I called 911 and the operator, basically, told me that he thought I was wasting his time...  He asked if I really thought it was an emergency...  I responded, "For that dog and the drivers who are surrounding that truck, yes, I would say this constitutes an emergency!"  He sounded exasperated, and told me that he didn't think it was an emergency, nor did he believe it was illegal...  I was pissed, but I still don't know to whom I should register a complaint...  Any ideas?

I crashed storytime the other day, with Boogie, and then went out to lunch with Bagel...  She is such a bum!  We agreed to split the bill and she paid for it behind my back!  But, that is not the funniest part...  The funniest part is that Boogie looked like he was taking tequila shots at lunch...  Why was that?!?  Because he was sprinkling "stinky cheese" (parmesan) onto his drink lid, licking it off, and washing it down with a quick sip of his lemonade...  Hilarious!  That is, after he actually ended up with lemonade...  I was pretty upset when it happened, though I realized it was not the end of the world, but they actually gave him freakin' soda instead of lemonade at first...  He said something about his drink "burning" his mouth, and I thought he was just being silly, so I told him to stop being silly and drink his drink...  Man, I feel like that mom at Chili's whose kid had the margarita...  After a while, he wanted the lid off, so he could get a piece of ice, and I noticed the carbonation...  I was not thrilled, but I didn't pitch a fit (even though I wanted to)...  Bagel says we should have figured it out when Boogie kept taking sips and then asking how old he had to be to have soda -- "I have to be 2?!?"  I was like, "No!  You have to be much older."  Now we know why he was so confused!  Geesh, people!  I know that some people let their toddlers drink soda, but we asked for LEMONADE!!!

Boogie is being really cute all the time, but he is also getting on my nerves a lot lately...  He says the same things over, and over, and over again in hopes that I will suddenly jump up and cater to his every whim...  "I wanna watch tv...  I wanna watch TV...  I wanna watch TV!" ...  How about, NO!  I know that is what toddlers are all about, but, man, it drives me nuts!  It's like that episode of Family Guy where Stewie is going, "Mom... Mom...  Momma...  Momma...  Mommy...  Mommy...  Lois...  Lois..." 

I feel like I have not seen many of my friends in entirely too long...  I see the friends that I work with, and that is good at least, but I really have felt like I have had "no life" these last few weeks...  I guess that stems from the whole "working two weekends in a row and using days off for nothing but running errands" kind of operation I've been running...  The good news is that I will not be working another weekend until next month, and working two weekends in a row made it possible for me to get the time off for heading to Vegas!  I am so psyched about my vacation...  Let's just hope that the jet lag doesn't turn Boogie into a monster!

A while back, my father said that we should go out "for coffee" (even though I have always hated coffee and he should recognize that fact by now!) so he could explain the whole mom and NMD situation...  Well, I was all worried that maybe my dad was gay and trying to hide it by staying married to my mom -- though I was not so much worried that he was gay but the thought that he may have felt that he had to hide said gayness from me...  Well, it turns out that I was WAY off...  Sure, my mom's boyfriend (NMD) seems pretty gay, and he started off as my dad's friend first -- let alone the fact that my mom always acts like she is the resident expert on gay men who pretend to be straight by getting married and having kids...  That, apparently, has nothing to do with why my dad allows NMD to be with my mom...  Evidently, my dad really does just feel terrible about the fact that he cheated on my mom -- like 20 years ago! -- and is willing to put up with anything "short of her ripping [his] heart out and stepping on it" because she never divorced him and/or tried to take us away from him... The look of relief and the tears in his eyes lead me to believe that he was telling the God's honest truth...  He was so happy that my mom "forgave" him (although she constantly brought it up and rubbed it in his face) and never took his kids away that he is willing to pay penance for it for the rest of his life...  He said that he could not imagine only having visitation time with us and that anything he goes through now is nothing compared to the loss he would have felt if my mom took us away from him...  Wow!  Talk about feeling more loved than ever...

And, speaking of feeling loved, I just have to say one more time how amazing Clark is...  He is such an awesome daddy, a supportive hubby, and an awesome friend...  Even if he does drive me crazy with his fetish for high-end electronics!  Teeheehee...  The new TV is great, and I really am happy that Clark was able to get something he wanted so badly -- even if the price tag made me balk...  He knows that he is not getting anything else like this for quite some time, and he is ok with that, so I guess "normalcy" will resume once again...  (Or, at least the normalcy you can have when your home TV feels like a movie theater screen!)...  Teeheehee...

What else?  Umm...  I have been doing way better with the OCD thing, as evidenced in my lack of compulsion to post to this blog every ten seconds...  My kitchen is not dirty, but it is not tidy either, and I am ok with that...  The only thing that I wish I could do a little better without going completely OCD is my laundry...  We get down really low and then I have to hurry up and do a bunch before Boogie runs out of underwear or some such thing...  I am so thrilled that he is wearing bog boy undies, though I do wish he would stop telling us that he will "poop in the potty when [he gets] bigger"...  Umm...  Why not now, dude?!?  Sure, we are saving lots of money on diapers/pull-ups because we only need them for bedtime/naptime, but it is frustrating as hell to have to keep cleaning up poop...  More often than not, he just goes in his pull-up or his diaper, but there are occasional accidents in his undies, and it's not pretty (to say the least)...

Enough talk about crap, though...  Nice stuff?!?  I was in the newspaper recently, so people have been jokingly calling me a "celebrity," which is pretty fun to play up...  The teens at my library love me and are excited about the upcoming summer reading program (SRP)...  I am even pretty well underway with my SRP planning, so that makes me feel happy/less stressed at work...  If only I could start ordering books again, life would be just peachy keen!  I know it will all get back to "normal," and then summer will take over and make everything crazy again...  But, for some reason, I am so much more confident about this summer...  Maybe it is the fact that I have actually done this before...  Maybe it's because I am so confident that our proposed changes will really make a big difference in how easily we can handle things...  Either way, I am more excited than scared, and that is an awesome feeling!

Since I have been in here posting for so long, my boys are wondering if I will ever finish...  Better wrap this up...  Later days...

I didn't really know it was possible for things to get worse in the situation with my mom, but I think that happened last night...  I came home to a message on the answering machine about how she never knows my schedule and wants to talk...  She sounded upset, so I figured it was about the e-mail...  Wrong!  She never got the e-mail...  Sure, my dad saw it -- and even told my sister about it -- but, he never told my mom...  What caused her to call, then?  Well...  Since my sister knew my feelings, she took a trip over to my mom's house to talk to her about Christmas and how she wanted her whole family together for Christmas this year...  She suggested that Christmas Eve be at my house, and my mom actually wanted to work that out...  I was all confused and asked if she had gotten the e-mail...  She said no, so I explained a little bit about what it said...  Everything in that letter was the truth, but I was definitely pretty mean in the way I worded some things...  So, now she knows about the e-mail and will probably want to see it...  Does that mean that our progress will now be negated?  Or will she just see how hurt I am and want to make things right?!?  I don't know...  All I know is that I am at work and cannot really call her to see what's up -- because I am the only one in the Children's Room right now...  Maybe I will call during my lunch break...  Bah...  Later days...

So, since I was already depressed, I decided to go for broke...  The following e-mail just got sent out to my mom:

Mom,

I know you probably don't like it when I send a letter rather than talking in person, but that is the way I am most comfortable communicating when I am upset...  What I am about to say is not easy to say, and I am sure it will not be easy to read, but I would like for you to read the whole letter before trying to write back (and no, I am not even close to ready to talk about this again on the phone or in person)...  Just hear me out, please...

For 5 years now, I have been struggling with the new definition of our family...  At first, it seemed to me that my parents were on the verge of a divorce and that I would have to learn to accept them as separate entities instead of a couple...  Once I heard that you had a boyfriend, I thought it must be over...   I thought, "If she has always expressed such unhappiness toward my father, and now has another man in her life, surely my mother is on the way out of her marriage"...  After all, I was taught (and still believe) that marriage is a union between two people who love one another...  You certainly don't act like you love my father anymore, and the "new" situation just seemed beyond acceptable... 

I thought your apparent disdain for my father was enough to signal that you wanted "out" and that your relationship with NMD was the way you would leave...  Apparently, my interpretation is either very wrong, or you are just unwilling to move forward with dissolving an unhappy marriage because it is just easier to (1) let your husband work two jobs to support you while you (2) constantly complain that his best is not good enough -- and then (3) ignore him to spend time, or go on vacation, with your boyfriend (including on the weekend of your husband's birthday)...  As you can tell, I am a bit enraged, and I am not going to pretend or "play nice" anymore...  I have been really depressed lately, and I have tried blaming it on the hormones in my BCPs, but I know (deep down) that I am just upset that the holidays are coming up and I can't even count on spending time with my own family -- even though they live less than 30 minutes away...

I know I have been told that the exact details are not my business...  That would be fine, I suppose, except for the fact that I am constantly inundated with talk of the latest vacation with NMD, or the last trip to the Racino with NMD, of just how freakin' wonderful NMD is...  And then, to top it off, I get nothing but talk of how my father is always in such a shitty mood and what an "asshole" he can be...  After working 2 jobs, 7 days a week, to support a wife who is far less than supportive or loving, who can blame him?!?  If I have to listen to this crap all the time, you're damn right I am going to want to know what the hell is going on...  And, for the LAST TIME, please stop telling me that I can explain it away to my son by saying "NMD's just a friend"...  That is simply not an acceptable answer to the problem...  When some of my friends met you for the first time [at Boogie's birthday party] and thought that NMD was my father and that Daddy was my uncle, I got pissed off beyond belief...  Mom, it is clear to everyone (except you, maybe) that you have outwardly-obvious feelings for NMD -- and that you do a great job at ignoring my father when NMD is around...  Face up to it, please, and stop embarrassing yourself by pretending that it's your little secret... 

This Thanksgiving was a huge wake-up call for me...  When a mother would rather spend a holiday with her boyfriend than with her daughter and grandson, that daughter has to ask herself whether she wants to continue to invest her emotions into that emotionally devastating relationship...  I can certainly understand that you would want NMD around, but I would also expect that a mother would accept her child's feelings and put that child first once in a while...  You know that I do not want him around, but you constantly try to change my mind...  It's not going to work...  Just accept the fact that I will not EVER condone this relationship unless you are separated or divorced from my father, and we may just be able to make some progress in our own relationship...

A month or so ago, we were having a normal conversation and you suddenly cut in to question whether NMD's presence would be a problem at the family Christmas Eve celebration...  I told you that it would, as you already knew, but that was not good enough...  My feelings never seem to matter -- EVER -- in any decisions you make, and I am starting to come to grips with this truth...  I could give you a huge list of times when I have felt unimportant, based on the way you have treated me, but that would be redundant...  I have told you time and time again...  But every time I try to explain my feelings to you, you turn the conversation around into a guilt trip [for me] about how no one is perfect and that you "tried the best you could"...  But, did you really?  When I told you that I didn't want NMD at family events, you still invited him to Easter dinner -- and got upset with me that I was really as bothered as I had previously explained...  That doesn't sound like trying...  That sounds like doing as you damn well pleased and expecting me to just take it, as usual...

Well, I am done "taking it"...  And as far as I am concerned, you might as well invite NMD to your house for Christmas Eve...  Even if you had us over, instead of him, I know you would be bitter about it the entire time...  I will just plan on spending holidays with my in-laws from now on...  Sure, it won't ever feel the same as spending it with my own family, but at least I will know that they genuinely want me to be there...

I will always love you, no matter what...  But I don't know that I am strong enough to be around you anytime soon...
Bee

So, now that we are quickly approaching Christmas, how soon do I confront my mother about plans for Christmas Eve?!?  I am sure she thinks I am an unreasonable bitch, but I have other people who would actually enjoy my company on Christmas Eve if my mom would rather see NMD than me (and my boys)...  I wish I didn't have to worry about stupid shit like this, but then it wouldn't be my life...  Grrrr...  Later days...

And, no, I am not talking about the computer...  Clark and I are going to have to spend some time "re-wiring" the boy this week...  My mom thinks it is cute to go against our express wishes and to give Boogie something right after we tell him, "No."  If he is going to spend even one minute whining or complaining, she thinks it is just better to give in...  I think it may be best just to punch her in her damn face, but that is just the Killer Bee coming out for a minute...  I think (and Clark agrees) that I have been beyond civil this weekend, especially considering the fact that my mother continued to flush the toilet in the middle of the night and wake her insomniac daughter even though she had been told that her noise-making was the reason I had such dark circles under my eyes on Sunday morning...  Bah!  Anyhow...  We are home, Boogie is in bed, and it is time for us to go to bed as well...  More ranting (and pictures from the wedding) will surely be posted tomorrow...  Later days...

I thought I was going to do well with sleep last night...  I had done OK the night before, I was exhausted, AND I had taken my sleeping pills...  Then, after I had been asleep for only about 3 or 4 hours, my mom went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet (which was right next to our bed), which scared the hell out of Clark and me...  He fell right back asleep and doesn't even remember it, but I spent the next 3 to 4 hours pissed off and trying to fall asleep again...  Then, I got only another 2 hours (maybe) before Boogie woke me up for good...  Now, I am wondering whether I should say anything or just try to deal one more night...  My mom has been totally bitchy all weekend -- since she is not smoking (anything) while she is with us...  I'm happy that this may prove to her that she can quit smoking, but I hate putting up with her shit...  Bah...  Later days...

I'm not sure I ever expected to have a decent time if it involved just me and my mom "hanging out," and I certainly didn't think today would be as painless as it was...  I went to my mom's house after bringing Boogie to daycare, and I pretty much only planned to drop off her muffin pans and leave...  I ended up staying for like an hour, and we chatted about garden stuffs...  Dare I say, I even enjoyed the tension-free time we spent?!?  Not bad!  Later days...

It's pointless for me to worry about what I will say to my mom, since it won't change a damn thing anyway...  I was all nervous about talking to my mom because I didn't want to hear that she was choosing NMD over me...  Every time I make a plea, I am ignored...  The example I gave my dad on Easter is how I used to beg my mom to quit smoking, or at least in front of me, since my parents' smoking gave me asthma...  Once I was diagnosed, my dad was much better about smoking in front of me, but my mom just ignored me...  She finally quit smoking in front of me when I was pregnant, but that was only after I made a huge deal out of it...  And now, she will still smoke near me and my kid when we are outside -- and seems to prefer standing "upwind," of course...  I'm used to it in a way...  I am the one who "doesn't belong"...  But part of me still wants her acceptance...  Part of me still wants to believe, "My mommy loves me more than anything in the world," and she can change if she wants to, and she will want to change when she hears how she has hurt me...  This morning, she called and left a message on the answering machine (I screened the call because I wasn't about to "get into it" with her while Boogie was up and about)...  She said that she "didn't realize" I didn't want to be around NMD and that she thought it was only bringing him out to my house that was a problem...  So, I guess telling her that I don't want to have to explain the screwed up situation to my child doesn't make it clear enough that the problem is him and not where he is?!?  Whatever...  I guess a big part of being a pathological liar and extremely self-centered person is that you don't always listen when people talk to you...  Another part is twisting what they say into what you would rather have heard, I suppose...  I want to stop being depressed over a woman who seems to care nothing about my happiness...  But a part of me just won't let that happen...  Even more sick is how I manage to worry whether Boogie will ever see me the same way -- as if I am anything like her at all...  When I called her back this afternoon, I thought we would surely argue, that she would surely trying to saddle me with the "world's biggest guilt trip," and that I would end up feeling worse instead of better when we hung up...  Well, I was right about the latter most prediction, at least...  I didn't know what to say, really, so I just said, "I got your message from this morning."  I figured that was good enough to get us started on a discussion of what really needs to be dealt with...  She started right in talking about stupid bullshit, though, like how she is packing to go away to some Primerica thing with my dad this weekend, and I didn't know how to steer the conversation back to what I really needed to get off my chest...  Well, without looking like a bitch on a mission, anyway...  So, we had the same sort of polite conversation you would have with a stranger while you're waiting for a connecting flight...  Little snippets about the local news...  Complaints about chores or being tired...  Nothing that matters...  Just something to pass the time...  And I feel like that is all I am to my mother...  Something else to help her pass the time...  I am surely not worthy of any sacrifice on her part -- though she will play the martyr if you choose to believe her convoluted story of staying home because my father is "old-fashioned" and they both wanted to "raise us right"...  Forget the fact that my father has said (in front of us, no less) that she is more than welcome to get a job anytime she wants instead of complaining that they never have any money to do anything "fun"...  Forget the fact that she largely ignored us so she could play cards and get high with her friends all the time...  Forget the fact that she beat the hell out of us for little or no reason...  She wasn't being lazy by not working; she sacrificed her career for us...  A part of me just wants to cut her out of my life...  Just stop calling...  Never go over there...  Throw away the cards she sends us for birthdays and holidays...  But a part of me just wants to keep on believing that she will finally see the error in her ways, finally apologize, and finally work to make things right between us...  It would be so easy to pretend she didn't exist if only she and my father weren't together...  But, since they are still "together" -- though I don't see much togetherness in a relationship like that -- and since I still love my daddy and want to continue to have a relationship with him, I suppose I should keep things civil...  Right?!?  Later days...

He's Not My Dad...  He's not welcome around me and my kid...  And I'm not happy because of him...  I thought I had made it clear to my mom that NMD was not welcome at family functions, as far as I was concerned...  It is awkward, to say the least, that she is married to my father and screwing around with this guy...  It made me really angry last year when people who didn't know my family thought that NMD was my dad and that my dad was just an uncle or something -- because NMD and my mom showed up separately to Boogie's birthday party, didn't hang out with my dad, and then left without/before him (to "go shopping"... grrrr)...  It makes me even more angry when my mom can only ever talk about what a jerk she thinks my father is and how wonderful NMD is...  Give me a freakin' break...  I told Clark that we would try going to my parents' house for Easter but that I was not about to stay if NMD was there...  He said he agreed with my plan...  I told my sister that I would be leaving shortly after arriving if NMD was, in fact, there...  She said she understood and was just happy that Boogie and Princess got together for pictures and such at her house first...  When we got to my parents' house, NMD's car was in the driveway -- of course...  I pulled my mom outside and reminded her of what we had discussed before...  She played dumb, like she thought it was "OK" at her house -- even though I clearly said that I didn't want to confuse my son about the sanctity of marriage and whatnot...  Somehow, she thought I only cared what "strangers" (non-family) thought?!?  Whatever...  We stayed for a few minutes, but when I tried to get Boogie ready to leave, Daddy looked all confused and asked me what was going on...  I figured my mom would have pulled my dad to the side and told him, but I guess (in retrospect) she had no time -- since he headed straight out to the egg hunt with Boogie and Princess...  He came outside with me, and I just started bawling my eyes out as I explained everything to him...  I told him that I felt horrible about not spending Easter with him, but that I could not "fake it" through another holiday with NMD around...   I told him that I have always felt like I come second to anything else my mother wants and that this was just further proof...  I mean, she would never stop smoking in front of me, even though I asked her AND reminded her that her smoking was the reason I developed asthma as a kid...  She finally did, when I was pregnant, but now she stands right next to Boogie and lights up when we are at a parade or something...  WTF?!?  I guess if she wants something, I am just selfish to ask her to give it up -- no matter how damaging or unimportant that other thing may be...  I told Daddy that I understand that Mom has feelings for NMD, but that I also feel she has no right to bring him around my son unless she and my father were separated or divorced...  You're either married or you're not -- there's no half-way in my book -- and that is the way I prefer to teach my son...  Damn it...  I just feel like the biggest asshole because I know that my dad has been unhappy with this situation for a long time, even though I know he is reluctant to say anything because it is "his fault" the whole thing started anyway...  Long story short: he has ED, no herbs or medicines work for him, and he felt bad for my mom, so he got her a "lover"...  That didn't mean he wanted to be put on the back burner for the rest of his life...  It just meant that he felt bad about being "half a man" (his words) and wanted to, somehow, "make it up to" his wife...  Why she thinks this makes it OK to constantly take off for weekend get-aways with NMD (including on my dad's birthday!) and to have this guy over during family holiday parties, I will never know...  But, I am sure there are plenty of things I will just never understand about her...  The best news is that I do not have to go over to lunch at her house for at least 2 weeks -- since one of us will be out of town on those Fridays...  Even better than that is the fact that I will be going full time at work in June, and I will never again have to suffer through a "lunch date" that I am attending more out of guilt (of keeping my son from visiting a Mema he doesn't know better than to love) than a desire to see or spend time with my mother...  Hopefully, having my in-laws over tonight will turn this day around for me...  Later days...