16 posts tagged “ocd”
I have lots of intrusive thoughts as a result of my OCD, but it seems that everyone must have a touch of that torture... MightGirl has a post dedicated to some of her intrusive thoughts -- http://mightygirl.com/2009/03/03/going-to-my-happy-place/ -- and some people's comments remind me of my own, so I figured I would share some for your reading enjoyment (teeheehee)...
* the driver of the 18-wheeler next to me doesn't see me, and he ends up crossing lanes and crushing my car/killing me...
* I fall down my stairs again, but I break my arm/leg this time...
* I drive my car off the road and into a ravine/pond on the side of the highway... Wondering if anyone will notice... If anyone will do anything (call 911, etc.)... Will they be too late to help?
* (when I was in college) someone has snuck into my dorm room and hidden under my bed waiting to attack me because the door didn't close all the way when I went across the hall to the bathroom in the middle of the night...
* that I -- or someone to whom I had entrusted the task of holding Boogie -- would drop him and his head would crack open/explode on the hard floor/sidewalk (when he was an infant)...
* that Clark MUST be cheating on me, since he didn't answer his cell or office phone (when I know all too well that he's probably in the server room and can't hear his cell and that he is way too anti-cheating to ever do that to anyone, let alone me)...
* that I am going to die because of some complication with my surgery at the end of the month...
Man, I just love OCD sometimes! Later days...
Apparently, I am even an over-achiever in therapy... My therapist literally asked me if I even thought I needed to keep coming in to see her! She said that I am a "breath of fresh air" because I always follow through and I have "the non-resistant kind of OCD" that actually lets me try something new to see whether it works... I guess I have the kind of OCD that works to organize my life instead of the kind that cripples people... Works for me! (literally)... Teeheehee... So, yeah... I have opted to keep going to therapy because it is only about once a month and the co-pay is less than $20... Why quit just because I'm ahead, you know?!? If I start feeling like it's a waste of time, I will definitely stop going... But I think there are certainly some things that I could use help with for the time being... Yay for therapy! Teeheehee... Later days...
Is like a drug to me... I swear... Whenever I am organizing things, I get so happy and have such a brighter outlook... (I'm sure that's the OCD talking)... I always feel so weighed down by the loads and load (and loads) of laundry that are waiting to be put away... Or the closet that is so jumbled I don't know where anything is... Or the sink full of dirty dishes... Or the grimy counter top... Today, I have the entire day to do anything and everything I have been putting off for weeks now, and it is so great to see how much I accomplished already... I swear... Clark is not going to recognize this place when he gets home tonight! Later days...
For quite some time now, I have been addicted to blog reading... I think it was a big OCD thing, though, because I have lost the drive to continually check them all... I am honestly thinking of clearing many of them out of my Google reader, since I never seem to have the time to check them all, and I am currently looking at over 300 blog posts to "catch up" on... Something's gotta give, and I don't think it will be my work load or my desire to spend time with my family... So, which ones do I get rid of? I don't even know many of the people, but I feel like they are my friends because I have been reading about their lives for so long... I fell almost like I am abandoning a friend if I stop reading, yet I don't even know if any of them would really notice if I stopped commenting on their posts... I'm just some random person they don't even know, so why do I feel like they will be offended if I stop reading their blogs now?!? I am so effing crazy... So, I guess, if you are someone I don't "know" in real life, I will probably stop reading your blog [at least religiously] for now... Hope you all stay well, and that my lack of comments doesn't break your hearts! Teeheehee... Later days...
Sometimes, people who are in the Children's Room get quite an earful... Take this for example:
Me: You know, you help my OCD!
Flower: So, does that mean your therapist won't allow you to work with me anymore?
Me: It's not a bad thing... It's good...
::frustrated/contemplative huffing::
Me: It's kinda weird and hard to explain, but my OCD isn't always helpful... Sometimes its more of an ADHD kind of jumping from one thing to the next... You kinda help to streamline my OCD to where it's actually beneficial instead of a hindrance!
Flower: I think that's a good thing, right?
Me: Definitely...
Flower: I heart you [Bee]... That's the funniest thing I've heard all day!
I love my coworkers!!! (How apropo for today!) Later days...
It's funny to see the concrete ways that Prozac affects my life... Boogie's toys aren't always picked up (because I don't spaz about it and can actually sleep at night knowing that there is a huge toy mess downstairs)... There are dirty dishes in the sink overnight, sometimes... Seeing a pile of dirty laundry doesn't make me feel like I am going to have a panic attack if I don't start a load of laundry right away... And then, last night, I really shocked myself... I forgot to post yesterday and didn't realize until about 10pm when Clark and I were watching a movie... Rather than freaking out, pausing the movie, and running upstairs to post I said, "Well, I already broke the 'post a day' rule, so what's another time?" Whoa! I like this whole making my own decisions instead of being driven by my compulsions... Doesn't mean that I don't still choose to do some of the things that have been ingrained in me from teh OCD, but at least I don't feel like I have to do them... Later days...
So, since we are doing Christmas Eve stuff at our house, I thought it might be a good idea to tidy up a bit... I don't feel like I need to scrub and polish everything in my house, but it would be nice if the toys weren't scattered across the entire first floor, you know?!? Boogie has been pretty detrimental to my progress, so I think I am just going to wait for his nap... And since I don't have any other spare time coming up anytime soon, I have at least gotten the dishwasher loaded/started and put away a little laundry... Sure, the Prozac helps to keep me from feeling like I am going to flip out if the house is messy, but it certainly doesn't "cure" my desire for an orderly house... Teeheehee... Later days...
It's official... After all the time I spent joking about it, I actually, really, and truly have OCD... And now I am taking Fluoxetine (a.k.a. Prozac) to deal with it... How cliché can I possibly be?!? A librarian with OCD -- who also takes freakin' Prozac to deal with her anxiety?!? Man alive! Hopefully this will actually help things, though... My doctor said that I should take a two-pronged approach: drugs and psychotherapy... I can't exactly argue against getting a therapist, so I will have to look into that tomorrow... Right now, though, I need to try and get me some sleep -- although that may be tough, since Clark is doing another night of extreme overtime, and my bed will be all cold and lonely without my space-heater/love-of-my-life... Later days...
So, I took an online test to see whether I should really consider talking to my doctor about the fact that I think I have OCD... The inventory said any score over 12 is a high likelihood of OCD... I got a 21... Gah... So, I just printed out another checklist -- from the OCD Recovery Centers of America -- and I will be bringing it with me (along with the book of "anxiety answers" I borrowed from the library) to my doctor's appointment... I am so nervous about what they will say, since I never brought it up before, but I have high hopes that doing my homework in advance will show them how much this is scaring/bothering me and they will (1) take me seriously and (2) do something about it... Wish me luck... Later days...
