26 posts tagged “pregnancy”
We were unable to determine the baby's sex at the ultrasound... Neither Clark and I are exactly thrilled with the prospect of having to wait so long to find out if this is a boy or a girl kickin' around in there... But neither one of us knows whether we care enough to go for it and pay for one of those 4D ultrasound "photo sessions"... They are available in our area... And we can afford it with minimal penny pinching... But, I keep wondering "what if" the baby doesn't cooperate there either? Am I willing to spend a lot of money to get my hopes up again? But, then I start thinking of the fact that I am only about 1/2 way through this pregnancy... (I was exactly 1/2 way through at this point for Boogie, and just didn't know it yet) ... People have a lot of theories about why this MUST be a girl, but I am doing my best not to assume anything so that I won't end up feeling disappointed that I was wrong for X number of weeks and have to turn my brain inside-out again... I will be perfectly happy with a boy or a girl... But I just wish I knew which one it was, you know? For Boogie, I just had that feeling that he was a boy... I was certain of it... And I was right! But, for this kid... I got nuthin'... Bah... Later days...
They're always freakin crazy with me... This morning, I woke up and recalled one particularly crazy dream where I went for an ultrasound (without Clark and Boogie as is the plan), and that the technician ended up being the phlebotomist I had in the hospital after my surgery and at the blood lab before I started these fertility treatments... She's awesome and everything, but why she switched to an ultrasound technician in my dream is unclear... Anyway... In this dream, she insisted that I was having twins when I first walked in, and it took me a while to convince her that I already knew I was not... Then, when she did use the machine, she barely used it... She didn't really look at the baby too well, but she still insisted that I was having a boy even though she would not/could not "show" me any proof... What she insisted on showing me, though, was a video about circumcision... The methods in the video were not even real methods... It was just trying to scare people away from choosing to do it by saying that most methods will damage the penis to the extent that it will not grow as long... WTF?!? When I explained that I had researched it before, knew that the methods in the video were bogus, and had chosen to have my first son circumcised, she got really sheepish... She apologized, and the dream was over... Weird, right?!? Later days...
Just felt Gummy Bear move [for sure] for the first time... That means that both of my babies gave me a birthday present before they were even born... With Boogie, I had a positive pee test the day before my birthday... With Gummy Bear, it was feeling movement 4 days before my birthday... Awesome! Later days...
16 weeks and growing well...
Later days...
I wonder if I really am a good enough mother... Some days, I question whether having another child will make my "bad days" more frequent; if another child will only shorten the half-life of my good days... I am sure that being nauseated all day for nearly all of the past 9 weeks [yeah, it started at about week 6 this time] has done quite a number on my patience... I am also sure that ending my work day by puking in the staff bathroom was not the best way to prepare for a long car ride with a tired pre-schooler... I would like to think that my logic would help me to recognize when my nausea is compounding something that is not really a big deal, but logic seems to be on maternity leave already... I can only pray that never getting pregnant again will help me to be a better mother when I have both children to deal with in future years... I feel like I have been nothing but a moping, whining bitch for probably the last 3 or 4 weeks, but I just feel so damn terrible that I can't psyche myself out of it for more than a couple hours at a time... Clark has been really understanding... Too understanding, probably... But I still wonder if he is being nicer on the surface than he really feels... When we got home today, after Boogie had whined for the entire 40 minute drive, Clark and I both kind of met the end of our patience... Boogie would not take the cheap [most likely lead-laden] dinosaur figurine out of his mouth, so I took it out of his mouth for him and brought it into the kitchen with me... Boogie, then, proceeded to throw himself on the floor and scream/cry while simultaneously refusing to move out of the doorway so I could keep the cat from getting out onto the porch... I moved on to filling up water bottles and adding water to the vase on the counter, in an attempt to remove myself from the frustration of the moment, but I managed to knock down an open bottle of water... As I reacted with a clenched-teeth grunt of frustration, Clark was coming through the front door and told Boogie and I that we both needed to go up to our rooms to chill out... That's where I keep my phenergan, anyhow, so I decided to follow through with the "suggestion" and hope that I would feel better by the time Clark finished cooking dinner... So, now, I am just sitting on my bed, crying, and trying to "blog it out of my system" while trying to ignore Boogie's procession of Star Wars bobble heads that I already told him I didn't want to see right now... I know, deep down, that he just likes Star Wars so much that he is hoping it will cheer me up, but it really isn't helping... And, now, Boogie has just broken my heart by asking me, "Mama, why do you have tears?" I answered that "I am having a hard time dealing with feeling like I am going to throw up all the time," and he replied, "Yeah. It's hard work making a baby." after which he took down the bobble heads and went to his room to entertain himself... Nausea + frustration + guilt = one hell of a night for Bee... Later days...
Facebook... Vox... All sites I have been wanting to update but not really getting to lately... In "real life," I am getting caught up on laundry and dishes and finding time to just plop on the couch when I am feeling crappy, and I find that those things are a bit more important than having all of my internet ducks in a row... I just don't seem to have much energy for anything above and beyond subsistance living lately... A lot of well-meaning people at work keep saying that I will probably feel better soon, but I know I probably won't... I try to tell them that, while attempting not to sound whiny, bitchy, or overly negative, but there are only so many times that you can remind people that you required "anti-puking" meds for your entire pregnancy last time and are trying not to foolishly expect a better outcome this time around... Sure, I can be hopeful... But I don't want to be unrealistic either... It's tough, though, since I am sure they don't really know what else to say... It's tempting to just pretend everything is peachy keen, but it's a little obvious that you're lying if you say, "Things are great!" as you walk in all pale and chalky grey first thing in the morning... You know?!? I won't have Princess at the library today, so that should make things a little easier... I can't handle her being up my ass all day, and she is so painfully shy that I just want to shake her sometimes... But, I can understand how being holed up with your family all the time instead of ever getting out would do that to a kid... Man, I hope bringing Boogie all over with us will pay off in that respect... We try, you know?!? Sigh... Better get going now if I want to try and get a new pair of black shoes (the old ones are ripping apart) before work today... Later days...
I can't believe how pregnancy can seem to fly by at some moments and drag on at others... It's kind of like other monumental times in life, but it seems to be much more exaggerated than most... Today, I got to see one of the midwives in my regular OB/GYN practice, and I was all like, "Wow! I can't believe I have already been released from the fertility specialists!" Sometimes it feels like I just found out I was pregnant last week... Other times, like as I sit here feeling completely and utterly nauseated (and praying that the phenergan I just took will kick in soon), I wonder how I am only at 11 weeks... If you would like to join me on a little photographic journey of exactly how much time has passed in this pregnancy, you can head on over to my "Pregnancy -- Gummy Bear" set on Flickr... Clark and I will be taking pictures every Monday (as I begin the next week of my pregnancy), and I will try to remember to upload them in a timely fashion... If I don't... Well, sue me! Later days...
Really?!? Sometimes I feel like this cannot possibly be happening again... For a while there, I got so used to the idea of another pregnancy being "unattainable" that I still find myself incredulous at times... Especially since I cannot feel the baby moving yet, I often feel like I am just getting fatter... Teeheehee... I went to Flower's house today to get back some of the baby/maternity things I had given her, and that was really weird... It was like, "but SHE's having a baby... Oh wait... I am too!" I felt bad taking back anything at all, even though I wasn't taking back everything... But she swears she is ok with it -- happy even... Especially with giving back the crib, since she found a different one that she likes much more... I am happy to have the stuff back, don't get me wrong... But I really did feel awkward "taking" it from someone else who could have used it too... Luckily, she has other friends/family who have given her maternity clothes and who are begging her to stop getting hand-me-downs of baby gear so that they can buy some for her too... Man, I need to just be happy that I have such an understanding friend with other people who can help her out... If she's not upset, I should not feel guilty!!! Later days...
Scar tissue?!? Not sure what is hurt, or how I managed to hurt it, but I hurt something in my tummy yesterday... I am guessing that it is nothing scary for the pregnancy, since there is no cramping, spotting, or bleeding, and it only hurts when I end up stretching things a certain way... I am guessing, also, that it has something to do with moving around tables for my program or running as I carried Boogie into Applebee's -- because it was a crazy hail storm, and I didn't feel like being pelted in the face any longer than absolutely necessary... But, yeah... No matter how it happened -- it happened... I first noticed the twinge of shooting pain when I went to sit down on the floor last night, and it has happened a bunch of times since then... It's always when I am doing something -- never when I am sitting still... So, now I am just wondering whom I should call if this doesn't let up... Should I call the infertility specialists from whom I have still not been released? Should I call my regular midwife? Or should I call the surgeon from my ovary removal in March? I am thinking the latter of the three may be the best choice, since she should be able to best recall the exact location of the surgery and, therefore, best predict whether it has something to do with getting knocked up/stretching out the incision area... Man... I can't win! As long as I stop straining myself, something like I predicted should go away... But, how does one stop straining herself when she prefers to just do everything without asking anyone for help, and is used to being able to manage that on a normal basis, and so forgets until she is already straining herself again?!?!?!?!?!?!? Teeheehee... Later days...
I finally scanned the picture of the ultrasound -- and, of course, doctored it up to replace the boy's real name and erase mine completely... Yeah... I'm that paranoid... Whatevs! Check it out:
The baby's next to the label that says baby -- it's the gray mass, facing left, inside of the black outline (which is my uterus)... When you can see the heart beating and stuff, it helps to see the baby and s/he actually looks like a little gummy bear! Later days...
