20 posts tagged “sad”

So, there has been a lot going on lately...  And I keep thinking that I need to post things, but I don't ever get around to it...  For this reason, I have decided that I will do a mash-up post...  It may end up really confusing and a bit bi-polar, but y'all should probably expect things like that from me anyway!  Teeheehee...  Where to start?!? 

Oh!  I went back to my therapist for the first time since my surgery...  She was shocked to see me up and mobile...  Happy to hear that everything went so well, but amazed that I was already back to "normal"... I told her that I was doing great physically, but that I was having a rougher time, emotionally, than I would like...  I told her about the fact that none of my family came to visit me and how hurt I was that they didn't think it was important enough to make time to come and see me...  My therapist apologized that she didn't think to discuss my "post-op expectations" ahead of time, since she would have recommended that I tell my family, up front, about my desire for their presence...  Since she knew that I had "an amazing husband and a great support base of friends," she didn't even think twice about how I should deal with my family...  Oops!  She said that they might have thought less of my surgery because it was a "female problem," and many people make light of surgeries like that or just plain get weirded out by it and try to avoid the person on whom the surgery was conducted...  She said that it didn't excuse their behavior but that it could be one possible explanation for my dad avoiding me, at least...  Kinda makes sense, but it still sucks...  So, then, I told my therapist about the e-mail that I sent my dad and asked whether it was appropriate to ask him, flat out, whether he received the message or if my mom may have deleted it before he saw it...  She wanted to know how I knew that my mom read it, even, so I told her how my mom replied to me -- "Sorry I couldn't be there for you.  I love you, Mom"...  That was, literally, the entire response...  My therapist was all like, "So your mom gets this e-mail where you pour your heart out and say how hurt you were by their ambivilence after you had major surgery and she WRITES A FREAKIN' E-MAIL instead of picking up the phone, immediately, and calling to apologize?!?  That is just plain unacceptable!  It's crap!"  I asked, "So it doesn't mean that I am a self-centered brat because I was so upset about everything, including her minimal response?"  In her opinion, "Not at all."  I am so glad to hear it from a professional...  She thinks I need to re-evaluate my relationship with the members of my family... She said that I should re-adjust my expectations and re-think the ways that I will interact with/respond to them...  Basically, I should stop counting on them for anything at all, I should stop inviting them over if they never take me up on offers anyhow, and I should stop bending over backwards to help them [with computer problems, for example] or to come and visit them when they ask...  It seemed a little harsh at first, but it will certainly stop setting me up for disappointment all the time...  We shall see...

Easter got even more interesting, btw... Right after my therapist and I finished discussing my family dynamic, and how I should go about making it less distressing to me, I returned a "missed call" from my mother...  I don't remember if it was immediate or not (although I think it was), but my mom started in on asking why the Easter Bunny doesn't come to our house...  I tried explaining it as well as I could, but I am sure I sounded like an idiot because I was blind-sided with the question...  I got into the fact that we don't make a big deal out of Santa or the Easter Bunny partially because we would rather not focus on that aspect of either holiday...  I also explained that Christmas and Easter are religious holidays which are attached to a religion we no longer "practice" and that making a big deal out of a holiday for a religion we don't practice seems a bit hypocritical, even though the holidays have become largely secularized (is that a word?)...  I explained that Clark and I discussed holiday celebrations and traditions at length -- with each other and with friends who became parents around the same time -- and that we made a conscious decision to make the holidays more about family togetherness, goodwill, etc...  My mom's response?!?  ::choking back tears:: "Didn't you enjoy Christmas and Easter when you were a little girl?"  WTF, dude?  I wanted to scream into the phone, "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT YOU!"  Although, truth be told, there is that whole "you traumatized my sister and me" when we found out the truth about Santa, et al in 1987...  Yeah -- I guess it's a bad sign when you remember the year it went down...  But, still...  It is not so much about wanting things to be different from when we grew up...  It is more about doing things the way that we are most comfortable; the way that we feel right doing them...  I get that she may not understand it, but I am not sure she realizes that her opinions and methods need not apply...  I told Clark that it was oh so tempting to start rattling off a list of things I do differently, but I didn't want to be a vindictive bitch by spouting off the fact that -- in addition to changing the Christmas and Easter traditions of my childhood -- I have also "chosen not to (1) engage in corporal punishment, (2) contribute to my child's asthma by smoking [at all, let alone in the house and the car with my child present], (3) partake in illegal substances in front of my child, or, especially, (4) put expensive habits of smoking and substance abuse above the other financial obligations of my family so much so that my husband and child[ren] have to sacrifice both luxuries and necessities."  I'm just sayin!  I guess I am just a damn show-off with my whole not smoking and doing drugs thing...  Whatever...

Now, on to more fun/funny/happy stuff (before the depressing stuff makes me want to stab my own eyes out)...

The other night, at dinner, I was drinking grape juice...  Since Boogie hadn't had much milk that day, we tried to hide it from him by pouring my juice into a purple cup...  He instantly recognized it as juice and started asking if it was juice...  I didn't want to lie, but I also didn't want him to start asking for a sip, so I just said not to worry about what I was drinking and to drink his milk...  He then asked if that meant it was "actually soda"...  I repeated my earlier noncommittal reply...  When he asked, yet again, what was in my drink Clark replied, "It's mommy's drink.  You can't have any.  Please drink your own drink."  Boogie's eyes lit up with a gleam of recognition, and he asked, "Oh!  Is it a margarita?"  Umm...  Yeah...  That didn't make me sound like an alcoholic or anything!  Geesh...  After we stopped laughing so hard, we explained that it was NOT a margarita and that he was right when he had first guessed that it was juice...  We also reiterated the fact that we are the adults/parents and do not always owe him an explanation and reminded him to just drink the [damn] milk!  Teeheehee...

On Wednesday, Clark and I both had the day off...  I had already scheduled Boogie's 4-year-old birthday portraits for that morning, and we didn't have plans to go see a movie or anything, so we decided to keep Boogie out of school and have a "family fun day"...  We got his pictures taken, took him to get his traditional summer mohawk, brought him to the library so he could pick out his own stories, took him to lunch, brought him to a museum/planetarium, took him to a playground that was near that museum/planetarium, and then went out to dinner...  It was exhausting, but it was a really fun day...  For pictures of the 'hawk and the trip to the playground, go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/jewjewbee/sets/72157616837835541/...

Flower has started to tell people that she will be having a baby in December...  Eeeeeeeeee!!!  I am so super excited for her -- and happy to live vicariously through another pregnant friend as I hope and pray that I will be able to have another baby someday...  Since my "bad" (read: worse) ovary was removed, it may be less difficult to conceive another baby...  One can only hope!  In order to help Mother Nature, I have invited Murphy along...  Murphy who?!?  Murphy as in "Murphy's Law"...  As in, I gave all of my maternity clothes and baby furniture to Flower, so [of course] I should end up needing them before she would be done with them...  Teeheehee...  I would be more than happy to get new stuff if it meant having another baby, though...  We will see...  There's no guarantee either way, so I will just have to try to kepe myself from getting too optimistic or pessimistic...  Keeping an open mind -- and making an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist -- will have to do for now...

And, since this post is so long that my fingers are getting tired, I am thinking I should probably wrap things up and just write more another day...  Congrats if you made it all the way to the end of the post...  You definitely deserve a cookie or something...  Teeheehee...  Later days!

Not because I don't have anyone home with me...  Not because I haven't had any visitors...  But because I still have not seen a single member of my family...  It was easy to excuse the fact that they could not make it to the hospital because my stay was so short, but this is bordering on ridiculous...  My dad was calling every day, at least, to check in on how I was doing...  He hasn't called at all today...  I have spoken with my mom a couple of times, but she turned it around into a conversation about herself and how she was doing -- since she ended up at OnCall the day of my surgery...  My sister called once, and we spoke for a couple of minutes, but she was at work and had to get off the phone almost as soon as she got on...  I have not talked to my niece at all...  I thought that maybe I would just call my parents' house and invite them over for dinner tomorrow, but I got their answering machine...  WTF?!?  I hope it's something damn important if they can make it out and still don't bother to come and visit their freakin' daughter who has just had major surgery...  I have an amazing husband and a wonderful little boy who have been doing a great job taking care of me...  I have friends and co-workers who have come over already or who plan on coming over tomorrow...  And all kinds of long-distance peeps (as well as the library teens who don't/can't know where I live) have been reaching out to me via the interwebs...  So, why do I have to focus on the people whose lack-of-contact make me so sad?  Almost time for dinner...  Better get going...  Later days...

And losing hope in all of "humanity" because of news like this http://www.mlive.com/news/jackson/index.ssf/2009/02/life_sentences_for_jackson_cou.html...  Later days...

It used to be so cathartic to have an emotional breakdown every month or so...  Now, it seems that my new-found ability to take things in stride more often just means that, while I stress less intensely, I tend to stress a little bit longer than I used to...  I feel kinda "meh" right now in the face of several things (e.g windows/siding financing disaster, unexplained abdominal pains, etc.), but I almost feel like I should force myself to get to the "boiling point" and just cry it out...  I know it doesn't really make sense, but I think it is just a matter of how I am used to dealing with things, you know?!?  Bah...  Later days...  

Sometimes it's really hard to balance all of the different aspects of my life... Trying to be a good mother, good wife, good librarian, and good friend can sometimes feel like a battle of importance...  Sometimes I just have to put something before something else; even if it is really hard to choose between them, I still have to make a choice... This afternoon, I was kind of let down by the fact that I made a choice and had it thrown in my face...  I had a very important work meeting that I blew off to go out to lunch with one of my best friends...  Even though I already saw her yesterday, even though it meant delaying my whole family's lunch and skipping my son's nap for the second day in a row, and even though going out to lunch meant missing a chance to meet one of the top three candidates in line for the job as our new library director, I thought that going out for one of my best friend's birthdays should be the top priority...  When we showed up, though, that friend was not there...  When Clark called to see how close they were to arriving, we found out they hadn't even left yet...  Worst of all was the fact that it was now too late for me to make it to the work function...  We ate lunch as quickly as we could and headed over to the library to see if I could catch the tail end of the meeting...  Everyone just looked at me like I was an idiot when I came rushing in and everything was done already...  I honestly think I may have made a worse impression by showing up late than if I hadn't shown up at all -- but I really wanted to be there...  I know it is hard for childless people to comprehend how difficult small children can make life, but I really thought this person got it...  She knew that we already had to get find sitter last night so we could go to the party and that we would have our child today...  I thought she would know that 2pm was not the best time for us to meet her out, but maybe I assume too much on that point...  I don't know...  Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill...  All I know is that now I am feeling torn...  Do I try to just get over it or do I make a big deal about things?  Do I just trust the plans that we try to make next time, or do I need to be annoyingly clear when we make them?  Do I re-prioritize the next time this person tries to make plans with me, or do I keep her at the top of the list?  I just don't know what to think...  Bah...  Later days...

So, I know that speculating about famous people is one of the biggest things in America right now, and I typically judge people for following such stories so closely, but something inexplicable has me locked in to the Britney Spears saga...  I just read the saddest thing ever -- http://www.usmagazine.com/read_lynne_spears_entire_declaration_here...  If this is true, it explains a hell of a lot...  I just wish that this would all end, Britney would get back to "normal" again, and her kids would get to spend some time with their mom instead of the paparazzi...  Later days...

I have never before seen Clark in so much pain...  He threw his back out this afternoon, and it is so bad that he cannot sit up, stand up, walk, or turn over on his side [in bed] without a huge struggle...  I know it can be frustrating to hurt yourself, and it can be embarrassing to need someone to help you with tasks that are normally "easy"...  But, still, I wish he would let me help him more...  Or, maybe I just wish there was some was I could be capable of helping him right now...  It's almost as bad as when Boogie is sick...  The difference being, of course, that Clark understands what is going on, so I don't have to worry about him being both confused and feeling yucky...  Bah...  Later days...

So, I had this pair of awesome pink gloves...  They were longer than usual -- went right up into my coat sleeves, so there was never any icy-wrist business when I was clearing off my car in the wintertime...  I say "had," nevertheless, because I lost them tonight...  I am not sure whether it was when I took them off to warm my hand by the fire at the farm we visited or if it was when we went to dinner at Friday's...  Why am I so sad about a pair of gloves?!?  Bah...  Later days...

I don't know if there are many (normal) things in this world worse than seeing your child sick and not being able to make them better immediately...  Forget about the fact that I am tired from being up multiple times in the middle of the night for the last few nights; I have a broken heart from listening to Boogie cough non-stop from 3-4(ish) this morning...  Poor kiddo!  I sure hope the cough syrup does its job soon...  I would hate for him to miss his first ever field trip (to the apple orchard) on Tuesday...  OK -- my 10 minute break is over...  Back to work...  Later days...

I was already feeling blue, yet I decided that last night would be a good time to finish an ARC entitled Before I Die...  Jenny Downham is an amazing writer, and the story is amazing -- but it probably wasn't something I should have read last night...  I was sobbing by the time I finished the book, and it didn't stop when I put the book away...  Clark was already asleep, but he woke up enough to give me kisses and then cuddled up to me to try and calm me down...  After about 20 minutes, I finally did stop crying...  Man alive...  I routinely make poor decisions such as this, and I am not sure if I am just "special" or if I am a glutton for punishment...  But, yeah...  If you like a real tear-jerker, this is a great book for you...  Later days...