48 posts tagged “sick”

Why?  Because my mom is a complete ass-hat...  She just called me to let me know that my niece is completely sick, most likely with the flu...  Apparently, she is probably sick because she spent the afternoon taking care of the toddlers my mom babysits as my mom puked her brains out on Friday...  And yet, my mom didn't say a word about it being a bad idea to have Princess over all day Saturday when she knew I was bringing her to my house to hang out with Boogie...  My mom didn't even think it would be a bad idea to go to a wedding on Sunday -- while getting a ride from us...  As I sat there trying to process this all, on my way home from a trip to the grocery store where I felt sick to my stomach more strongly and earlier than when my phenergan usually wears off, she didn't even show any sympathy or empathy for my predicament...  I said something along the lines of being really scared to get the flu because doctors say that you should not take anti-emetics when you have the flu, and I could end up hospitalized if I go off the drugs even when I don't have the flu...  Instead of saying something comforting, or even keeping her stupid mouth shut, she went on to say that it would "really suck" if I got this flu because it's "just violent"...  WTF?!?  If she had ever been anything of a good mother, I might be able to excuse this as a slip-up...  But a part of me thinks that she may be somehow enjoying this and trying to freak me out...  Like all of her talk about how "lucky" I am to have the phenergan -- where she goes on and on about how terrible it was to feel sick for her whole pregnancy and acts like I can't possibly appreciate that sacrifice because my hyperemesis diagnosis and subsequent medication...  Sure, she may have felt sick all the time, and she probably did vomit a couple of times a day like she claims...  As much as that sucks though, I almost ended up in the hospital during the beginning of my first pregnancy...  I lost TWELVE pounds in one week -- after getting to the point that I could not keep anything down for more than 5 minutes over the course of about 48 hours -- before they got me medicated...  How the hell does that add up to me being spoiled by having a phenergan prescription?!?  Gah!  I can't imagine being so cold to my own daughter...  And I guess that is part of the reason I am afraid to have a daughter...  I am afraid that my lack of a good "mom to a daughter" role-model will make me feel even more unprepared for having a little girl...  In the end, I will do to best I can, and I am sure that will be a million times better than my relationship with my own mother...  But still...  I just wish I could scream, or hit her, or pretend she didn't exist...  But a part of me wants to try and salvage this relationship because she is the only mother I have...  FML...  Later days...

I wonder if I really am a good enough mother...  Some days, I question whether having another child will make my "bad days" more frequent; if another child will only shorten the half-life of my good days...  I am sure that being nauseated all day for nearly all of the past 9 weeks [yeah, it started at about week 6 this time] has done quite a number on my patience...  I am also sure that ending my work day by puking in the staff bathroom was not the best way to prepare for a long car ride with a tired pre-schooler...  I would like to think that my logic would help me to recognize when my nausea is compounding something that is not really a big deal, but logic seems to be on maternity leave already...  I can only pray that never getting pregnant again will help me to be a better mother when I have both children to deal with in future years...  I feel like I have been nothing but a moping, whining bitch for probably the last 3 or 4 weeks, but I just feel so damn terrible that I can't psyche myself out of it for more than a couple hours at a time...  Clark has been really understanding...  Too understanding, probably...  But I still wonder if he is being nicer on the surface than he really feels...  When we got home today, after Boogie had whined for the entire 40 minute drive, Clark and I both kind of met the end of our patience...  Boogie would not take the cheap [most likely lead-laden] dinosaur figurine out of his mouth, so I took it out of his mouth for him and brought it into the kitchen with me...  Boogie, then, proceeded to throw himself on the floor and scream/cry while simultaneously refusing to move out of the doorway so I could keep the cat from getting out onto the porch...  I moved on to filling up water bottles and adding water to the vase on the counter, in an attempt to remove myself from the frustration of the moment, but I managed to knock down an open bottle of water...  As I reacted with a clenched-teeth grunt of frustration, Clark was coming through the front door and told Boogie and I that we both needed to go up to our rooms to chill out...  That's where I keep my phenergan, anyhow, so I decided to follow through with the "suggestion" and hope that I would feel better by the time Clark finished cooking dinner...  So, now, I am just sitting on my bed, crying, and trying to "blog it out of my system" while trying to ignore Boogie's procession of Star Wars bobble heads that I already told him I didn't want to see right now...  I know, deep down, that he just likes Star Wars so much that he is hoping it will cheer me up, but it really isn't helping...  And, now, Boogie has just broken my heart by asking me, "Mama, why do you have tears?"  I answered that "I am having a hard time dealing with feeling like I am going to throw up all the time," and he replied, "Yeah.  It's hard work making a baby." after which he took down the bobble heads and went to his room to entertain himself...  Nausea + frustration + guilt = one hell of a night for Bee...  Later days... 

It is such a necessary thing for so many reasons, yet it eludes me at every turn...  When my own body is to blame it can be either nightmares, multiple wakings [for no reason], or too many trips to the bathroom...  Last night, though, my body finally cooperated -- and then the boy and the cat conspired to drive me crazy...  I realize that I will soon have an infant to take care of, and I know that will cut into my sleep...  But I also know that it is less difficult to get upset about it when the baby actually NEEDS something from me...  The boy knew that I was trying to sleep and kept waking me up even though he didn't need a darn thing...  At one point, he actually woke me up to tell me that he wanted to cuddle me so I wouldn't have to wake up -- and then proceeded to kick and punch me while he got comfortable...  Ugh...  I love that kid an awful lot, so I guess I will have to let him live...  It just sucks because the more tired I am, the more I feel like I am going to puke...  So, yeah...  Tired = cranky + nauseous...  I am gonna be so much fun today...  Later days...

Facebook...  Vox...  All sites I have been wanting to update but not really getting to lately...  In "real life," I am getting caught up on laundry and dishes and finding time to just plop on the couch when I am feeling crappy, and I find that those things are a bit more important than having all of my internet ducks in a row...  I just don't seem to have much energy for anything above and beyond subsistance living lately... A lot of well-meaning people at work keep saying that I will probably feel better soon, but I know I probably won't...  I try to tell them that, while attempting not to sound whiny, bitchy, or overly negative, but there are only so many times that you can remind people that you required "anti-puking" meds for your entire pregnancy last time and are trying not to foolishly expect a better outcome this time around...  Sure, I can be hopeful...  But I don't want to be unrealistic either...  It's tough, though, since I am sure they don't really know what else to say...  It's tempting to just pretend everything is peachy keen, but it's a little obvious that you're lying if you say, "Things are great!" as you walk in all pale and chalky grey first thing in the morning...  You know?!?  I won't have Princess at the library today, so that should make things a little easier...  I can't handle her being up my ass all day, and she is so painfully shy that I just want to shake her sometimes...  But, I can understand how being holed up with your family all the time instead of ever getting out would do that to a kid...  Man, I hope bringing Boogie all over with us will pay off in that respect...  We try, you know?!?  Sigh...  Better get going now if I want to try and get a new pair of black shoes (the old ones are ripping apart) before work today...  Later days...

Or it is success?!?  Either way you look at it, I'm on Phenergan again...  I was hoping that I would not need to be medicated this time around...  That I would be able to simply enjoy the state of incubation...  To have not a care and to daydream about Boogie holding hands and cuddling up with the baby during all of my free time (HA!  what is that, anyway?)...  But, alas, it was not meant to be...  This weekend, though, I went through an amazing tailspin...  I ended up white as a sheet, barely-more-than-horizontal, and daydreaming about the ability to nibble on some tasty grapes without feeling like I was only biding my time until I took up my worship of the porcelain goddess once again...  Instead of being stupid and torturing myself, I decided to call the doctor's office before things got completely out of control...  After my first pregnancy, during which I tried to wean myself off of the Phenergan way too many times, I got pretty good at recognizing the systematic return to a state of full-on hyperemesis...  I figured that reaching the point of being couch-ridden, pale as a sheet, and ready to puke, meant "it was time"...  Immediately after receiving confirmation that my prescription was being called in to the pharmacy, my body decided to celebrate by taking me all the way to the next level...  Yay!  (And, no, I do not really think puking is at all fun)...  I am so thankful that I live in a time and a place where I am able to get a prescription to help my body retain food and water so that I can nourish my unborn child...  As much as my mom and sister like to harp on me about how "lucky" I am to have the choice of taking this prescription, and try to make me feel guilty that they had to put up with their morning sickness all nine months, I am thankful that they never had to experience the extreme sickness that is hyperemesis...  I try to be as polite as possible, to recognize that I am very thankful for the medical professionals from whom I receive my medication, and to move on before I slap them for thinking their doctor would not help them if they had it even close to as bad as me...  I am also thankful that my husband is supportive enough to encourage me to take this medication instead of being like some guys who think I am just wimping out where other women have proven themselves more capable...  Yeah...  As the eloquently-spoken Rachel Green once said, "No uterus, no opinion!"  Later days...  

Is such an awesome drug...  I can't imagine living in a time when antibiotics were not a possibility...  I have strep throat so bad that I could hardly swallow my own spit this morning, and yet a first dose of antibiotic and some sleep has given my body enough of a boost that I don't feel like I am trying to swallow gravel anymore...  It was funny to see the look on the doctor's face when he looked into my throat this morning...  He said, "Well, that sure sounds like it hurts!"  Umm...  Ok...  Whatever...  Just give me the prescription and let me start getting better!  It was tough waiting for the pharmacy to open, but I managed to distract myself by spending the gift certificate from my library peeps (it came with the plants when I was out for the surgery)...  I know this makes me a total geek, but I think I am most excited about the fact that I got some cute new socks...  New socks = comfy, so I guess it makes sense...  But, still...  It's unnatural!  Teeheehee...  Later days...

But, apparently, not tired...  I have been up since 1am, shooting Chloraseptic into my throat like my life depends on it...  Well...  It kinda does...  I had a sore throat yesterday, but this is beginning to border on torture...  The Urgent Care Center nearest me opens in less than 1 hour, and I will be waiting outside when they do...  I need something to ease this pain -- or at least something that promises to cure this infection eventually...  Sure, I haven't been diagnosed by a "professional," but I think it is fairly obvious that there must be an infection present...  My glands are so swollen (in the front and back of my neck) that it hurts to turn my head, and my tonsils are so swollen that swallowing is nearly impossible (let alone agonizing)...  Nice told me yesterday that I should have left work, but I really didn't feel too bad...  Man, I wish I had known what this would become...  I would have ditched my responsibilities in a heartbeat if I could have stopped this in its tracks...  Gah...  Later days...

I can honestly say, with absolute certainty, that the action of vomiting earlier this evening (despite the fact that I hugged a pillow, as instructed) was the single-most painful experience of my life...  I cried, drank some Pedialyte, and settled down for a nap with a couple of ice packs afterward (one on my incision and one on the back of my neck)...  Now that I have woken up, I am starting to feel better, and maybe even a little hungry...  But, oh my God, I am so scared of getting sick again before this incision heals...  Please pray for me that it doesn't happen again...  That's not abuse of prayer, is it?!?  Later days...

Now, there is no prospect of anyone coming over and I feel like a terrible mother and wife...  Clark woke up vomiting this morning, and we had to cancel our plans with any visitors...  I know that there is not much I can really do, but I just feel like such a failure that I am so laid up that I cannot take care of either one of my guys...  I tried to suck it up and do breakfast, but I felt like I was going to pass out after a little while...  Clark did his best to finish up for me, but he is not exactly in the greatest shape either...  After breakfast, we both needed to go back to sleep, and we just had to trust that our 4-year-old would be able to take care of himself (without sneaking out of the house or getting into too much trouble)...  I wish there were an easy answer to this, but I know there is not...  I understand, after all, that no one would want to come in to a house full of potential stomach flu germs, but I am having a hard time balancing the "taking care of myself" (read: don't do much of anything) and the "taking care of my husband and child" (read: provide basic sustenance and/or supervision as applicable)...  I ended up skipping lunch, since there was no one in any condition to make it, and now I am wondering if I am merely hungry or if I, too, am ready to start puking...  Lovely...  Later days...

As Tommy Pickles (of the Rugrats) once learned, "sponsitility" doesn't come easily...  Take today, for instance...  My ears ache, I'm really tired (despite the fact that I went to bed early and got up later than usual), my lungs feel "full," and I keep having these irritatingly-non-productive coughing fits...  So, why am I at work?  Because that is the responsible thing to do...  Flower has a vacation day -- which she has more than earned -- and Nice is not on the schedule until 1pm...  So, since I am the only one scheduled to be here, I am here...  Clark suggested calling in, but he seemed to understand when I said that I would rather just suck it up and go in for the morning...  I'm not so crazy that I plan to stay here after Nice shows up, but I think I can make it another hour...  Later days...